We take a look at what they are, and what can be done about them…

The world is increasingly becoming a more multicultural place. The advancement of technology and the Internet has made it simpler for companies to expand and take advantage of a global market. This, coupled with more affordable and frequent flights, means that it’s become possible to work competently all over the world.

As such, there has been a marked increase in the number of companies that employ expats to run their businesses overseas. Over the years, the expat lifestyle has been painted in a glamorous light: a life of travel, of high salaries and exotic destinations. However glamorous some of these expat jobs may be, they certainly aren’t all painted with the same extravagant brush.

What many people don’t consider is the extra strain that is placed on relationships and marriages in an expatriate lifestyle. In fact, of the 50% of expat assignments that fail, 30% of these failures are attributed to family issues in their new country.

The life of an expat wife, or trailing spouse is certainly not all it’s cracked up to be.

If you are an expat about to move abroad with your family, or perhaps you are already there – the best ways to deal with the undoubted strains that will come with the move, is knowing what they are. By identifying the main causes of problems within expatriate marriage, you know what to expect and can prepare to meet them head on.

These are the most common causes of stress in expat marriages:

Trailing Spouse Depression

More often than not, the move to a foreign country is a result of following an excellent career opportunity for one partner. The partner that follows is referred to as a “trailing partner”. Many foreign countries have strict work permit regulations, and in places such as Saudi Arabia, it’s almost impossible for women to have the right to work.

This often leads to feelings of frustration that stem from a loss of purpose and identity on the part of the trailing partner, especially if they were career driven in their home country. This loss of identity places heavy pressure on the relationship, and resentment is often the way in which these emotions present themselves.

Culture Shock

Some moves for expats are easier than others; moving to a country with a totally different language, culture, lifestyle and climate is incredibly difficult. The excitement of moving to a new, foreign land often wears off in about the second month, as the reality of the permanency of the situation sets in.

Families that don’t make the effort to immerse themselves in the culture or learn the language seem to struggle the most. Couples with kids also face extra strain if their children struggle to fit into their new school environment and find it difficult to make friends.

Loss of Support

Moving to a foreign country means leaving behind the familiarity of home, and the support of friends and family. This is a big strain on expat relationships, as partners find themselves isolated and unable to confide in people that they trust and get the support that they need.

This is particularly relevant in countries that have a foreign language, as it can be hard to establish meaningful relationships with those around you if you feel different and struggle to understand each other.

The Expat Wife Life

The expat wife culture varies from country to country, with places in the UAE having a more rigid lifestyle. However, on a whole the expat lifestyle has a lot more freedom than that of the expats’ home countries. This is particularly relevant in places such as South East Asia, which have a much more lax way of life than many places in the world. There are increased rates of alcoholism and infidelity in these areas due to the party and ‘sex tourism’ lifestyle that is often encountered.

The expat lifestyle often involves a lot of travel, which leaves one partner (normally the trailing spouse) home alone often. This continual separation is more likely to lead to loneliness and infidelity, which is also more frequent if the working partner has incredibly long work hours.

These are just some of the strains that are placed on expat marriages, and what each couple experiences depends on the country they have moved to, their careers, whether they have children and the strength of their relationship before they make the move.

Knowing what to expect and preparing for it is the best way to handle the strain of having an expat marriage. Having open lines of communication is imperative to the success of your marriage, and offering each other extra support is important too.

Expat support

Joining a social group with other expats can provide great mental support and stimulation. The option of getting advice from those who have been there and done that is an excellent idea.

If you are not enjoying the expat wife life, or feel you are at risk from trailing spouse depression be sure to speak to a professional sooner rather than later and potentially prevent relationship busting events from ever taking place.

Sources:

• Info Graphic research and artwork by Letitia C. See the full version here.

• https://cms-internationsgmbh.netdna-ssl.com/cdn/file/2017-09/Expat_Insider_2017_The_InterNations_Survey.pdf

• http://www.telegraph.co.uk/finance/personalfinance/expat-money/8356609/The-difficulties-of-divorcing-overseas.html

• https://www.researchgate.net/publication/279162374_Till_stress_do_us_part_the_causes_and_consequences_of_expatriate_divorce

• https://www.internations.org/expat-insider/2017/where-expat-lovebirds-roam-39195

• https://www.communicaid.com/cross-cultural-training/blog/the-intercultural-challenges-of-expatriations-a-look-at-the-difficulties-partners-face/ https://expatliving.sg/expat-divorce-and-child-custody-in-singapore-what-you-need-to-know/

• https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/expat-infidelity-4-steps-help-avoid-affairs-your-marriage-beer

• https://singaporelegaladvice.com/law-articles/immigration-issues-for-divorcing-expatriates

• http://expatriatelaw.com/where-to-divorce/divorce-where-you-live/expat-divorce-law-in-singapore/

• http://learn.asialawnetwork.com/2017/09/06/divorce-expats-foreigners-in-singapore/https://expats.hk/719-understanding-divorce-in-hong-kong.html

A provocative title indeed. Could be triggering, especially if you are feeling brittle and war-wounded from doing battle with your spouse. Perhaps you are feeling upset and alone in your marriage, misunderstood by your partner or fighting so much that you have lost your connection. Weariness and scepticism is understandable. I hear you scoff: ‘If I cannot even talk to my husband, what on earth makes this lady think she can turn things around in just 2 days?’

The danger of complacency

I have bad news…

If you already feel repressed in your marriage or if your marriage has already wandered into the territory of resentment then you are in more trouble than you know.

What people don’t realise when they get married is that they enter into a sacred contract which is way more fragile than the protection we believe that contract gives us. Whilst standing at the altar vowing ‘till death us do part’, we believe we are given some kind of invisible Secure Marriage cloak which means we can bring our shitty selves to our relationship and our partner needs to put up with it. In today’s fast paced world, statistics show that people are not putting up with it anymore. Our universal sense of entitlement when it comes to happiness and fulfilment means we draw the line of tolerance much quicker than our forefathers did.

Marriage has become fragile. If found to be unfulfilling, the contract is easily ended and partners are easily replaced. People are not very good at avoiding divorce.

As a divorce expert, I have worked with over 2000 people to learn the 22 critical vulnerabilities and turning points in a marriage that move a relationship from a place of happiness and fulfilment to the no-man’s land of divorce. We focus on showing people how to not get divorced. Stopping those vulnerabilities in their tracks and making your marriage immune to those influences is vital to longevity.

Is my marriage in trouble?

If you answer YES to more than 3 of these crises areas below, then it may already be too late for your relationship:

1. My partner and I are not on the same page. Tension is high and we struggle to communicate or maintain a bond with each other
2. We have not had sex in a long time
3. I am resisting getting help in the false hope that over time things will calm down and the invisible Secure Marriage cloak will prevail
4. I am hiding behind my kids and their needs
5. I am throwing yourself into my work/ friends/ hobbies
6. I find yourself running away from home a lot
7. I check out or day-dream about being single and imagine finding the perfect partner who will rush in and save me from this situation
8. I resent my partner. I cannot believe this is how things turned out
9. I feel jealous of other people’s marriages. Why can’t my partner be more like xxx or yyy?
10. I continue maintaining a façade of a happy marriage to the outside world

So what do I do to stop divorce?

If you answered YES to more than 3 Marriage Crises Areas then you need to take action to save your marriage. The sad thing is you probably won’t. Only 4 people reading this article will actually do something about it. This is because of 3 key reasons:

1. You believe that the invisible Secure Marriage cloak is real. Your partner will never leave and things will get better one day on their own when your partner stops being selfish and apologises.

Right?

Wrong. There is no Secure Marriage cloak. Just like there are no unicorns, Santa doesn’t exist and the tooth fairy isn’t coming. Your relationship has already gone over the tipping point and set sail on the Divorce Cruise.

2) I am not giving in and being the weak one.

Excellent. You definitely don’t want to be caught being weak or giving in. Better to be right and blame your partner for everything that is happening whilst you sit on your high horse and wait. I am sure they will realise the error of their ways in time.

I am being intentionally facetious because there is no space for self-righteousness in a successful relationship. You need to let that go if you want to grow old with someone by your side.

3) The risk of anyone finding out our Marriage façade is a lie is too much to bear: people knowing we might help or are engaging in couples counselling is worse than us not getting the help we need

People cannot stand admitting that they need relationship guidance or relationship support. This is why Viagra is rarely sold over the counter in a pharmacy because people would rather be flaccid than be caught with a bottle in their hands. Admitting to others that your marriage may not be a happy one is likened to declaring yourself radioactive

To turn a relationship around you need

1: Total dedication and commitment.

A marriage in crisis is like a ship which has ground to a halt. To start up the ship again you need an incredible amount of focused effort and dedication. You need to work hard in the engine room and stay below deck until the ship starts moving again

2: Owning your own shit.

Don’t sit on your high horse and point fingers. You need to be willing to be vulnerable and to admit your own shortcomings and mistakes. If your partner is not responding the way you think they ought to, then you have something to do with their reaction to you

3: Willingness to be a student and to learn.

Be interested in learning new things and commit to the journey of learning something new

4: You need to kick start the work in a 2-day INTENSIVE.

Ever notice how when you focus on something with intention and full concentration, it gets done quicker? This is why intense trainings over a few days are more effective than distance learning over six months. When you take your time, sometimes you focus on the subject and sometimes you don’t, so ultimately getting the work done takes longer. Watch this video below where I share what we accomplished in just 2 days