Note: Annoying echo on Simon’s mic, but the content is good

PodCast ⇣

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Transcription ⇣

Simon:

Hello, everybody. This is our second edition of Ask Me Anything, and here we are with Adele.

Adele:

Hello.

Simon:

We had some questions come in. I’ve got some questions from last time. I’ve got some of those left over, and some new questions have come in. We’ve taken a few random ones. Let’s give them a go.

Simon:

“I live in Asia, and Asians frown at the word divorce. It’s the most unforgivable, unpardonable sin in one’s life. Today I have no job, no money, no home, no friends and most of all, no dignity. My brother is no longer working, and I’m drifting away. Is this what life is all about?”

Adele:

It’s very common for many cultures that are conservative, or have a lot of rules and obligations attached to them. Divorce will be incredibly difficult in those cultures. We do a lot of work in Asia, so we have seen this across Asia; that people really struggle with divorce as a shame based trauma is not fitting with their culture, their community, and no one needs to be associated with a failure. But we see the same pattern in the Middle East with clients in Abu Dhabi and Dubai, we see the same in Utah with Mormon clients, we see the same in South Africa with incredibly conservative Dutch Reformed clients.

Your question, although painful, you’re not alone. It is a phenomenon that many cultures and people share, which is very hard to bear and deal with. I think what you have to do is a little bit of research and realise that divorce is quite common, even though in your current context and paradigm it seems like you’re the only one in the world, and you’ve lost everything, and it’s really terrible. What you have to do is get some perspective, and do some research. When you are doing research you’ll find out that between 37-31% of all marriages actually end in divorce, so it’s very common.

Secondly, it’s very difficult for people to go through divorce as a shame based trauma, it’s a very painful trauma to recover from. All the feelings you’re feeling are common of that trauma that you’re going through, but your job is to move through these steps and to get over it. You’re expecting defeat a little bit. It’s implied in your question that life is terrible; you have no friends, no nothing, no job. I think you’ve got to pick yourself, dust yourself off and start fresh. And if you’re not able to do that in your current context or current environment then you need to consider moving. But you’ve got to get back on your feet, and if you’re struggling to do that on your own, then you should find some support and get some coaching to help you process has happened and to help you understand that it isn’t such a terrible thing that has happened to you; that you will recover and you will survive this, you will strive, you will learn, you will grow, and you will have victory at the end of this. It isn’t such a terrible embarrassment or shame to have gone through. 

I think what you’re missing right now is somebody in your corner that is rooting for you, supporting you and helping you process this. And think that should be your top priority. Get perspective, so do some research and find out the truth about divorce. Not just the truth in your particular cubbyhole that you’re sitting in. Secondly, you need to get some coaching and support to help you process this, so that you can move on. Because whatever you’re thinking in the mindset that you have, and the view of the world that you have, you’re going to attract more of that into your world and that’s dangerous for you if you’re in a very negative space. Work through it to get yourself back to a positive space. That’s what I would say. 

Simon:

Quite a comprehensive answer there. Looking at these question, they’re all deep and significant.

Adele:

Maybe it’s a deep and significant day.

Simon:

I think it is. Maybe I’ll find some light hearted ones in there as well. I’m going to jump over to this one; this is also coming from a guy: “Which is more important? Loving the sex, it’s unbelievable but she could be a little more cute, attractive, or she’s really cute and I feel so proud of her in front of my friends.”

If I understand this question correctly, have got two options that there. Does he pick someone where “the sex in unbelievable, but she could be a little more cute and attractive, or someone that’s really cute and I feel so proud of her in front of my friends.”? 

Adele:

[crosstalk 00:06:11] There’s no right answer to this question. At the end of the day, everybody must decide for themselves what’s the important part of it for them. If unbelievable sex is important to you, then you should pick the person that you have unbelievable sex with. But if being proud of your partner, and having a cute partner, and having someone who is aesthetically pleasing next to you is more important, then that’s what you should go for.

I really got into this show in the UK called Love Island, which was more of a psychological experiment. I wanted to see what this was all about.

Simon:

That was your excuse to get into the show?

Adele:

That, and I got addicted. Every second I wanted to understand and know what was coming next. What was interesting for me was watching complete strangers coupling up. We’re trying to figure what were their criteria, and how did they select partners, and what made one person fancy another. When did they have attraction, when did they have a connection, and when did connection move into love? A lot of the things are so projective. One guy was into a woman, and then he discovered that she was a smoker and then he was completely put off and that was it. The dalliance was over. Someone else thought somebody was really good looking, and they fancied them and then they found out that this guy shaved his legs and he was disqualified. What they ultimately found, the conclusion of Love Island was that all these aesthetic, surface level concerns actually meant nothing or equates towards developing deep connection, or a relationship that leads to love.

I think your question is still at the level of that sex, and looks. Even that is a little bit at the aesthetic level. What you’ve really got to ask yourself is what is it you’re looking for in your life. Are you looking for a trophy person that is standing next to you that you can show off to your mates? Are you looking for someone that you can lock up and you can keep in the bedroom that you can just have unbelievable sex with? Or are you looking for a real connection and a relationship that can lead to love? There’s no right answer. You’ve got to figure that one out. But I think your question at this stage it doesn’t indicate that you’re interested so much in the connection part. For me, if I was coaching you, I would ask why? What is it that you are avoiding, and why is that you aren’t interested in forming a deeper connection, and why are you not talking about a connection? Why are you only talking about how somebody looks, or how they perform in bed? Maybe that’s a question for another time. 

Simon:

That’s a fascinating question, isn’t? I think. Let’s listen your answer there. What was going on for me there, I think it’s very easy to initially to go for the none sex option, because the sex is frivolous and perhaps it shouldn’t be heart of a relationship. But the more I think about it, I feel like the way someone looks is more superficial than how the intimacy is between two people. If I were forced to answer this question, I would be tempted to threat them to the person they’re having unbelievable sex with because that I think that indicates a deeper, if you’d like, natural connection than someone you can show off to your mates. I sort of get that, it’s really nice to have a trophy person on your arm.

Adele:

What you really just pointed to is, ultimately, what is your goal? What is it that you’re looking for? What’s your intention? If your intention is to have a trophy person that you can show off to your mates, great. Then, totally pick the cutie that looks nice on your arm. But if your intention and your commitment is to have connection, then the person you’re having that incredible connection, chemistry, and unbelievable sex with, you’re probably going to have a deeper connection with that person that could lead to a relationship. I think we’re only seeing things that are superficial level at this point.

Adele:

If I was coaching this person, I would want to know a lot more detail, because the devil’s in the details, about what kind of relationship do you have with both of these people? Why is it that you’re embarrassed to have this person out with you in public, what’s that about? What is going on? Why do you care so much about what other people think? If you’ve got a great connection with someone, why is that not more important than keeping up with the Joneses or the opinions of others? I think it’s short snippets in somebody’s life. I would definitely be interested in having a much longer conversation with this guy, and get to the heart of the matter.

Simon:

[inaudible 00:12:01] Presumably this person isn’t a certainly unattractive to them because if not I would imagine they wouldn’t be having unbelievable sex, so they must still have some physical attraction. It sounds to me like that is still there to a significant level, but perhaps his other option is even more. But at risk of contradiction to myself, you’ve got a relationship where maybe the sex isn’t amazing, maybe, that can come in time; through talking, through discussing personal preferences, and exploring each other physically together. That could come, right?

Adele:

Not always. It’s actually from the perspective of saving a relationship, that’s one of the things to unwind and to create. I had some fascinating debates of discussions with several women who were ex-prostitutes, and I was fascinated, “every day you guys had to go out there and have sex with random people, but you made them feel like they were amazing, you made them feel like they were the only person in the world. How did you fake that kind of attraction? How did you make that person feel that if you weren’t attracted to them?” What was interesting, one of the people in particular, she said that she found something completely amazing about that person that she could fall in love with, and she made it much bigger, and she magnified that. She found herself completely blowing that attribute out of proportion so that she could really get attracted to that person in a big way. So that she wasn’t faking attractions, she was genuinely feeling attraction and giving her clients the girlfriend experience.

Adele:

The problem is when you’re in a long term relationship, the time period within which to fix a sexual connection problem is within the first year. If you already have a situation where a relationship with the sex is not great, and you’re more than a year into the relationship it is very difficult to unwind that because your history with that person is extensive. And the ability to magnify certain attributes is really challenging when you’re in a long relationship with them because your brain will do a counterargument, it will be like, “he’s got beautiful shoulders.” and then you’ll be like, “but he didn’t take out the trash yesterday, he’s an awful husband.” we need these things that happen where it’s the benefit that the working girls have is they don’t have that familiarity so they can’t zoom in and focus on one or two attributes.

Adele:

A sexual relationship doesn’t always improve with time. If it’s bad in the beginning, it will not always improve with time. That actually takes a lot of work from the couple. Particularly, sex and intimacy coaches that I work with, I think we all pretty much have an agreement that this is one of the hardest things to fix in a relationship, is when that sexual chemistry has died.

Adele:

So they can actually be arguing every day, the communication is terrible, they have nothing in common, but the sex life is great. Then it’s like, “This relationship has a much better chance of actually being saved than another one.” Where they’re brilliant mates, they get on every way and their sex life is terrible, they’re basically just housemates.

Simon:

I think there’s this idea that a partner provides everything they need to their partner, be it sex, love, adoration, great holidays together, perhaps great parents and everything else as well, friendship etc. But, perhaps that’s our idealistic view maybe its a bit more realistic to where actually no one person can provide everything. There probably are some things which have to provided by a partner. Most couples require monogamy, so if sex is a problem then you’re not going to be able to go outside of that relationship for it, so that would be a really key [inaudible 00:16:49] If for example, intellectual stimulation was a problem, you can go on networking. You can go networking once a week, and maybe you can get that fix there, and that would be probably the next step for a thing to do inside a relationship, just to get that [inaudible 00:17:02] There are certain things, and you can choose any one of them that can be fixed externally, at least, allow it to be acceptable to the partner.

I think we’ve covered that question, quite something deep, but fantastic question. 

Let’s jump onto another one, short question but not sure it’s any less intense, “Why would my wife leave me after 27 years married, and leave me for good?” 

Adele:

That’s such a hard one. I actually had somebody a week ago, out of the blue left him after 25 years. And he was dumbfounded and stumped. It’s a really difficult one, and it goes for both men and women. When somebody out of the blue does that, it’s not just such a shock, it’s such a betrayal because if somebody does that for good, that means they probably were feeling like that for quite some time. And they, for whatever reason, didn’t feel that they could communicate that or communicate it in a way that sufficiently stated the seriousness of their feeling, and they just left without working on it. They disappeared, they let the whole thing slide off the cliff, and they [inaudible 00:18:36] they didn’t actually put any effort into doing anything to save the relationship, so that’s a really hard one.

What I would say is that to begin the processing of that, it’s never a mystery. From a forensic analysis perspective, which is very much the kind of coaching and programmes that we write, and prescribe, and work on. You have to go into the detail, you’ve got to actually write down your entire relationship story from the very beginning.

When you actually write the forensic analysis in detail down to your relationship, in almost 99% of cases people find there were bread crumbs all along the journey, where there were things they were stepping over. There were actually moments where they could see that the relationship wasn’t all fantastic. This person did change and become more quiet. Actually, they were probably a bit depressed, or they were unhappy and maybe they were communicating in one way, but they didn’t have the words or the language, or maybe they didn’t say anything because they didn’t want to hurt their partner. They were miserable and didn’t know why and they didn’t know what to do about it to the point where they felt like they were almost under water, and they needed to do something drastic to gasp for air. That’s why people would end a relationship out of the blue, it’s almost, “I must grab air now, I must blow this up. I have to get out of this cage that I’m in and I need to live a different past.”

I think you should write your story down, and very honestly do some analysis to see where can you see the signs began. Your relationship wasn’t perfect, and it wasn’t perfect from your side either. You probably just stepped over a whole bunch of stuff because you told yourself it was fine, it was good enough. You were sort of happy, and other couples are also sort of happy you put up with something to a certain extent. I think that begins to put the pieces together.

The other thing I would say is if you can get some support in coaching to get yourself to a more neutral place where you’re less angry, outraged, shocked, and horrified by the moment, and actually more curious and interested as to who this happened, you might actually find that you can engage with your wife in a dialogue. You can say to her, “Look, you caught me out of the blue. I don’t really understand it, but I want you. I can respect your decision, but I want to understand when did this happen for you?” Because I think if anybody was asked that question in a nonangry, nonconfrontational way by somebody who was truly curious and what wanted to learn and grow, they’d probably answered that question honestly. I think half the reason people end marriages out of the blue, and disappear, and ghost their exs is they fear the splash back, the anger, the vitriol, the blaming, “how could you?” the outrage and all that stuff. And they fear that confrontation.

In my experience, seeing this time and time again, people that lig it out of their relationships they fear confrontation. They don’t like hurting people, and they don’t want to create a drama. But, by not expanding themselves they create a drama anyway. You’ve got to make it easier for them to tell the truth, or you need to do your own analysis to see if you can find all the things you stepped over along the journey and the bread crumbs that will point to the truth for yourself.

Simon:

I think that’s very true. Just thinking about this as talking, what comes up to me is a couple of things is, either there’d be bread crumbs there that could be with hind sights or physical. It must exist even they’re subtle, even if they’re in a communication style that that person is not receptive to, maybe is nonverbal, for example. Or it’s written but not verbal, or vice versa. Or he’s a behaviour, but if it’s really been hidden for some time that probably means that whatever that thing was missing they found elsewhere. That’s why it wasn’t visible because she wasn’t getting it serviced.

If it wasn’t being serviced that would reveal in anger, it would come up in random conversations because there’d so many not being addressed. If it was being addressed by an external source, for example an affair and if it was very well hidden, it would land as a surprise because there wouldn’t be a need to progress this frustration with this thing not being met because it’s already getting it met elsewhere. Suddenly, the day come where they decide to call it a day, to jump ship, they’ve got a better offer or diss in their eyes.

That’s when I think it appears to be the most out of the blue situation. Of course, I cannot say that situation here, but I need to be honest that’s what’s coming up for me. I think that is a possibility. 

Adele:

I think that’s astutely put, but also sometimes, there is so much outrage at the shock of this person doing what they’ve done. It almost puts them further in distance, and in a corner where they actually don’t want to talk about what was missing in the first place, so that’s just a label, “she’s had a middle life crisis, and she’s blowing everything up. In fact, every one thinks she’s crazy now, and she’s just lost it.

I think there’s so much labelling that can go on. I think people get silent because they fear some judgement , and they fear that no one is going to understand how they feel. They can’t put into words how they feel, they’re trying to gasp for air, they’re trying to figure out how they can get out of the situation that they’re in and they don’t really know how they can do that. Sometimes, it is the cowardly way to end it without much explanation. Maybe they didn’t actually know how to say it. But I think if the person was more curious and asking questions, and trying to take a look like, “how did we get into this situation?” because it’s not actually “she blew this up.” People don’t drop relationships that are awesome. How did we get into this situation, what can I be more responsible for on my side as well?

Simon:

Let’s move onto another question, “Why is it so hard for your wounded heart to let go?”

Adele:

I think a lot of it is because of the future that you were living into with that person. The expectations and everything associated with that. When you get married you a whole picture image of a movie that you’ve designed and this is what life is going to look like. And as human beings, we get attached to those pictures and movies that we create. That’s why, I think, for a lot of people we get stuck in a comfort zone because we get so attached to this picture. The thought of blowing it up or it disappearing is incredibly confronting and it challenges your psyche, it challenges who you are as a person, it challenges absolutely everything.

I think the wounded heart struggles to let go because of those expectations, and being married to the picture of what life was supposed to look like. Neuro biologically, the wounded heart is physically aching as well because of all the hormones and neurotransmitters that are flying around the body when you go through a shock or trauma. It makes your heart ache when there is too much dopamine. It makes you not want to eat and you feel nauseous, and you feel so wounded, almost physically incapacitated as well. That combined with this feeling of the future that has been snapped and pushed away, it really is a battle to let go. I think the only way to let go is you’ve got to process what has happened, which means you need to go on a bit of a journey where you examine all the elements, and depths you’ve gone through so that you can learn, heal, and get to the other side of it and feel a sense of accomplishment or realise, understanding or knowing; that helps the wounded heart to put a lot of this to bay.

Simon:

Next question, “How does someone avoid, or how does someone work on their jealousy?”

Adele:

I think jealousy is an interesting one. I think all human beings in some form or another will be jealous of something at some point. You can never say, “I’m not jealous of anything. I’ve never been jealous of anything in my life.” There’ll be certain things in life that you will have a tendency towards jealousy. I think anywhere where you feel this lack or destity some way. If you feel in yourself, “maybe I’m not good enough, or maybe someone else is better. Or in work, maybe I’m not smart enough, maybe someone else is smart enough, or smarter than me. Or in a sport or a hobby that you do, maybe they’re better than me. Maybe they’re going to beat me, and I feel jealous of their accomplished.

I think in all these different arenas, in anywhere where we think wherever we are isn’t good enough. And wherever somewhere else is, is better. We’re comparing and contrasting where we are in comparisons to somebody else. I think that can create that feeling of imbalance, that feeling of lack, and abundance over there with the other person. If you want to get rid of, or use the amount of jealous that you’re feeling, I think it’s really about healing starts over here. It’s got nothing to do with what’s over there. You don’t stop being jealous of someone over there just by looking at them, and then going, “They’re not all that. They’re not that great anyway.” It’s focusing in here, and going, “I’m enough, I’m good enough. Where I am is good and I feel good about stuff and I am okay, and it’s okay that they’re brilliant too, and there’s more than enough love and awesomeness, and success and intelligence to go around. We are all great. I’m looking to celebrate my successes, I’m going to celebrate other people’s successes. If I think someone else is more beautiful, or more attractive, great.”

Let’s celebrate to beauty and attractiveness because she is beautiful and attractive, and we should talk about that and not try and pull her down to make yourself feel better. And think some way if you think someone is smarter than you, celebrate their smart, celebrate their successes from their perspective. I think celebration comes from a place of abundance, and there’s more than enough to go around, and I think you realise there is jealousy to a certain extent.

Simon:

What we don’t know with this question is if it’s inside a relationship, or after the relationship has ended, and I wonder if they’re feeling jealous about their current partner, or an ex. I’m not sure that changes the answer at all, it’s probably quite interesting. Jealous does have a purpose. There’s usually some pros and cons to any free emotion. Well, there is pros and cons to every emotion. There is a positive side to jealousy could inspires us to make more of ourself be physically or intellectually. It can useful, right?

Adele:

Yes, I think it can be useful. It’s all about the context of the jealousy. If you’re just experiencing jealousy and then getting scarce and angry, and evil, and resentful about it, you’re going to pull back and pull that person do or rejoice when they’re pulled down, or rejoice when the have a bad day, or they get kicked in the teeth, or something. I think it’s not particularly nice to do that. It’s not particularly evolved either.

I always think whether it’s an ex or you’re jealous because somebody has run off with somebody else, and you’re jealous of that situation, or you’re jealous of them; you’re jealous of your ex moving on faster than you have, or you’re jealous because you went out somewhere and you saw your ex with somebody else, or you’re in a relationship, or you see your partner dancing with somebody and you get really angry because they’re dancing with that person. What neutralises all of it is to remind yourself that you’re great. You’re great as you are. If you feel that some boundary has been broken in the context a relationship, then you need to have a conversation about that. But in terms of the scenario of exs, and being jealous of people moving on quicker, or exs where you’re jealous they are with somebody else, you’re jealous of their relationship, I think it’s about reminding yourself that you’re great, you’re awesome and good things are going to come into your life. And if you focus on good things coming into your life, and you focus on yourself having good luck, success, abundance, you will attract that and manifest that.

Simon:

I’m getting the next question, and it’s quite long. The question itself isn’t very clear, I’m going to read out what we’ve got in, and then we’ll kind of distil it and try to pick out a question from it, so bare with me.

“Why can’t I believe in myself? I really can become financially independent. I’m just [inaudible 00:35:16] and I like focus because I don’t feel safe to the core of my being. I feel fear at this [inaudible 00:35:22] around me not being there. And the full cost feels as though I will with my dogs age…”

I’m a little bit lost here.

“…and my pasta landlord who is part of the safety net that’s been holding me.”[inaudible 00:35:37]

So there is some fear around the court system. “Adele, I have complex PTSD, and I believe I have had it since childhood, and have had a tremendous healing in the past decade. I want to be more certain, and make choices for the business [inaudible 00:35:58] so, for the choices of my business I can make, but personally I don’t esteem to. I desperately need to be able to get financially stable and stop living in lack fearing, and fearing that I will be alone, broke etc.” 

So the core question here is, “why can’t I believe in myself, I really can become financially independent?”

Adele:

I think a lot of our beliefs lead to what we call a self-fulfilling prophecy, and you’ve really got a God. What you believe and you tell yourself, and the thoughts that are running in your mind because it shapes your entire universe. It’s the believe that you have that there is not enough money, and I don’t know how to get some, and I don’t feel that I can make enough money and there isn’t enough around. If there’s something negative about becoming financially independent or having financial success, you’re at risk of creating a self-fulfilling prophecy by attracting what your worst fears into your life. So if you have complex PTSD, you absolutely need to get treatment for that because what complex PTSD does do is it creates a whole raft of messing with your core belief system, and creating what we call a cognitive dissonance, where your global views and world views about the life and universe is massively disrupted. And if your trauma, or the thing that you have experienced have actually disrupted you at a deep level where you’re afraid of the world, you don’t feel supported by people, that’s absolutely going to have to do with owning and making money. Get over your trauma, get that processed, and then begin to map out what your believe system is as a result of all trauma you’ve had in your life, and just in general, what are your belief systems?

We have a programme where we examine a great amount of detail what all the cognitive dissonances are in your core belief, and how you can rewire that and transplant a more successful belief system into your life, and we do that with a combination of NLP and clinical hypnotherapy. But we are basically extracting these negative beliefs, but there is no point in just extracting negative beliefs if you don’t also have a coach or a support, or somebody that is actually monitoring and helping you develop better habits with your language. If you are talking yourself down all the time, talking negatively all the time, in every moment it doesn’t matter what you tell yourself what your positive beliefs need to be, you are writing the script for negative life.

Language is one of the most important things you’d have to monitor and get on top of. You’ve got to really have that positive language, and you’ve got to have your worst deeds actions and all your commitments and what you’re doing have to be congruent in existence. If you’re telling yourself, “My belief is on my [inaudible 00:39:41] and I’m awesome.” and then two days later you’re like, “I’m never going to make money, I’m shit at making money.” You just undid whatever you tried to do before. You’ve got to have absolute congruence to have success. That way every action you take it starts the attraction, and then you hit momentum, and then you start attracting those opportunities in your life.

Simon:

That’s really good, and what comes up to me is the most important coach any of us actually have is ourselves. We’re constantly coaching ourselves, “I’m good at this, I’m bad at that” and that internal dialogue is so important. And if an external coach is saying one thing, that’s great, and they can perhaps pull them in the right direction. But if that internal voice is still there, still strong, then it’s an uphill battle. So there definitely needs to be a frying work, mind work mind shift there. Could really come up in the language they use, right?

Moving onto the last question for today. I actually spoke to this, so I know a little bit about whose background’s this is. ” I was married for 25 years to a man who couldn’t love me.” She has now left the relationship, and she’s got a lover for the last four years, and that lover is married and he’s decided to give that marriage another go. So it’s a huge irony here, right? “How do I heal from this without losing my mind?”

Adele:

The bigger areas that we focus on within Naked Recovery is this whole question of if they’re recovering? One of the most difficult things for people and clients that we work with that have had affairs, they said, “Everything is happening in secret” it’s all under the radar, quiet. So when you’re in turmoil and agony the morning of that relationship also happens in secret. How do you come out and say, “actually I’m wounded because my lover has dumped.” It’s a really difficult thing to recover on your own, and it’s not an easier journey to navigate on your own. What I would say is you absolutely have to get support through this. If you’re getting stuck, you’re getting stuck because you’re in the neighbourhood of your mind, and your mind is a bad neighbourhood right now, this is not a good neighbourhood to be in. You’re in dark and dingy territory. You need to get yourself a nice fire stole clearing, and you can’t do that if you’re just working on your own. There aren’t cool helps or techniques, or things that I can give you, “just try these 5 things and you’ll be fine.” No, you literally need somebody that you can tell everything to that is going to help you navigate and process all things that you are going through.

At the end of the day, it’s a bit of a hazard. It’s a hazard of having an affair, and it’s awful to say that cause it sounds so callous, but its what you accepted when you took this one, unconsciously. You betrayed your married vows. You got into another relationship and this is unfortunate has it that sometimes happens. It’s the same kind of situation where I had an ex who got really upset because his partner his had run off with his best friend, but he was in an open relationship, I was like, “that’s kind of the hazard of being in an open relationship, and sometimes these things happen.” It’s accepting without beating yourself up or getting too depressed about it, it’s sort of, “it’s a hazard, it sucks but how do I move on?” How you move on is not on your own. Transformation like this doesn’t happen in isolation and you definitely need a confidant that is going to walk with you through this and to process what has happened.

Ultimately, you need to accept that this is the choice that your lover has made. You have to honour that, there is some honour to completing something before you move on to the next thing.

Simon:

I think it’s a really fascinating question. I think it’s a really difficult one. I think you’ve brought up an interesting point about the sole secrecy of it that means you don’t have the normal outlets, you need to take about this sort of stuff. [inaudible 00:44:50] I should point out I can’t recall the question doesn’t explain if the four years with their lover was while he was married or not, I can’t recall that right now. But it’s already got lots of infamy because she, in her words, married to somebody for 25 years who couldn’t love her. She found someone that kind of did love her, but that guy is committed to his marriage more than her ex was. So the [inaudible 00:45:25] is that she did attract the right guy, unfortunately because he was the right guy, backfired on her because he’s a go with his marriage, doesn’t know if it’s going to work or not. But it makes me think he’s a good guy, so maybe [inaudible 00:45:43] is that she did attract a good guy, and she can attract a good guy again, maybe.

I think we wrap it up there. Thank you for [inaudible 00:45:56] in the questions to us. Thanks Adele, for answering some pretty difficult questions.

Adele:

They were pretty difficult, those were quite hardcore.

Simon:

We did have one about Arsenal, I think that’s actually a harder question, so maybe we’ll put in there next time.

One quick announcement, which I meant to do earlier. If people are listening, to give a little bit of when it is, we will be launching our treats in New Zealand in the start of 2020. Information is a little short right now in terms of the exact dates, but we’ll be launching those from kind of the second week in January 2020. If that’s something that appeals to people, pin us a message usually way, and we will give you more detail as soon as that become available. 

Any last words or thoughts?

Adele:

No, it’s so heartening that we get this stream of questions that come in every week from people. I know sometimes in some of these forums and groups can feel a little bit shy about posting a question, but you are always so welcome to send in your questions, and we can answer them in this kind of format. Some of them are a bit complicated, and we didn’t get it quite right feel free to send us another question so actually have a better shot at answering the question correctly, because all that detail is quite important to have the context to answer the question at a deeper level, otherwise we don’t get it right.

Simon:

It can be hard to interpret some of these questions, but we give it our best shot. That’s all from us. Thank you, and that’s quite enough.

Adele:

Thanks, everyone. Bye.

Video ⇣

Transcription ⇣

Simon:

Okay, so today we’re going to do our first ever Ask Me Anything recording. My name’s Simon. I’m the MD here at Naked Divorce, Naked Recovery Online. I’m here with Adele.

Adele:

Hello.

Simon:

Hello. I’ll be acting as our kind of presenter, the guardian of the questions. Got lots of questions here. Thanks to everybody that sent through a question. I think they mostly came from in our database and our Reclaim Your Life website. Thanks for those. Actually had loads of questions come in. Some funny, some crazy, some a bit weird, and some really deep ones as well, some dark ones even. What I’m going to try and do today is really just basically set a bit of a random. I kind of scribbled around a couple of these I think would be good, and after that I’m just going to select a few randomly. My intention is that this will really be primarily an audio kind of product, but we’re going to do some video as well, and maybe we will whack that together in a YouTube video as well, and get it out via that way.

Simon:

Adele, are you ready?

Adele:

Yes. Hit it.

Simon:

I’m going to start [inaudible 00:01:17]. Okay, so first one. Actually before I get started, I think I did write this down, I’m going to make all these questions anonymous. Actually I haven’t even written down who the question’s come in from. We don’t always know. We’ve deliberately chosen to do that because it’s a sensitive subject. It’s relationships, or it’s personal traumas. We wanted to create an environment where people, just an anonymous channel, so we won’t be giving any shout outs to anybody.

Okay, first question I’m going to hit you with. If you could get into a time machine and go back to yourself as a 20 year old, what would be the one piece of advice would you give yourself about life?

Adele:

One. Can I have three?

Simon:

Well, okay we can do two. How about two?

Adele:

Two. Okay. I think the first thing, I mean when I was 20, life was very hectic, dramatic, everything felt-

Simon:

Where was you at 20?

Adele:

I was living in South Africa. I was in Cape Town. I was just finishing off my degree at the University of Cape Town. I remember being very stressed. I thought I knew what stress was at that time. Everything was very hectic, and very dramatic. I was a real drama queen at that age.

Simon:

At that age.

Adele:

Cheeky. Anyway, so I think what I would say to myself at that age is, with any problem that comes along, don’t get all heavy and significant about the problem, work the problem. Actually, and don’t quit. Keep going and work the problem until you find solutions, because there’s always solutions to everything.

Adele: If you look at a problem and go, “Oh, this is terrible. What are we going to do? This is like the worst thing in the world.” You’re basically just admitting defeat and getting into the drama of the problem. Actually what you need to do is grit in, dig in, and just go, “Okay, this sucks. This is crap. I don’t like it. I’m just going to work the problem until we get to a solution.” That actually, by getting into action, that delays, and sometimes can suspend the drama, which is quite cool.

Adele: The second piece of advice that I would give myself at that age, which I wish I had known in the first few years of business, is the distinction between abdication and delegation. Really the idea that if there’s an area of life that you don’t like, you can just throw it at somebody else. There’s this whole thing called admin, and marketing, and finance, and whatever, and we’re just going to hire someone and they can do it, and they can deal with it. That’s called abdication, when you basically just throw something over the fence and make it someone else’s problem.

Adele: The thing is then areas of accountability, if you own your own business there is no such thing as abdication. You’re accountable for everything. If you throw it over the fence to an accountant that doesn’t know what they’re doing, ultimately if something goes wrong you’re accountable for that thing going wrong, because it’s your business and you’re accountable for everything.

Adele: I think in the early years I really learned how to delegate properly, and that actually ultimately you have to work things out yourself, and then really train and empower the people that work with you to do it properly. I think, man, that would have saved so much time, so much money, so much everything in the early years of business. I wish I had known that. I wish somebody had said that early on, learn how to delegate properly and ask for support in the right way, as opposed to just throw stuff at random people and winge if they don’t do it properly.

Simon:

Yeah. Actually I’ll pitch in on this one a little bit as well actually, I was just thinking about it as you was talking. Very much in line with your second point. I might be in an environment where I’ll be talking to some kids soon, and I was thinking about some of the things I wanted to get across to them, and I was thinking about asking them, who wants to go into business? Now there’s only going to be a small handful that are going to put their hands up for that question, but I would really want to explain to all of them, well I’m really sorry, but actually every single one of you is a business.

Simon: Even if you’re employed by a company, it’s kind of your job to look after your finances, to take control of your life. I feel like everybody is a mini PLC. Maybe it’s a PLC of one person, but I think that would have been really good information for me to have got that at a really young age. Because for the first 10, 15 years of my career I was working for other people, and just receiving a salary, and that was fine, that was easy. I think if I had considered myself a business from the start, that would have been really beneficial.

Simon: Anyway, okay. Good. Number two. It’s been a little over a year since my separation, about six months since my divorce. I still oscillate between intense anger and intense guilt when I think about my former marriage. Now I’m starting to feel like I’m just not interested, I’m not even capable of another future relationship. The question is, how can I get over these things?

Simon: I’ll just repeat that actually, because it’s quite a long question.

Simon: It’s been a little over a year since my separation, about six months since my divorce. I still oscillate between intense anger and intense guilt when I think about my former marriage. Now I’m starting to feel like I’m not interested or not even capable of another future relationship. How can I get over these feelings?

Adele:

Yeah. I think first and foremost, thanks for the question. It’s actually really normal to oscillate between really extreme feelings when you’re kind of healing from a trauma. Don’t get me wrong, divorce is a trauma, and it’s actually a really misunderstood and really complicated trauma to get over. It’s classified in the realm of what we call a shame based trauma. Shame based traumas are really tough. It’s in the same ilk as being diagnosed with a shameful disease, like HIV or something like that. It’s a label that you get that you’re ashamed of, and it’s something that you were supposed to get right.

Adele: You were supposed to get this thing called relationships right, and the fact that you didn’t get it right is an embarrassment to you, your family, society, whatever. You just kind of want to, you have all these tough feelings that you want to deal with, you have to deal with, but at the same time you’re also dealing with embarrassment that this thing should never have happened in the first place.

Simon:

Do you think the sense of shame is similar between men and women, or do you think it’s fundamentally different? Yeah, I think it’s both.

Adele:

Yeah.

Simon:

Okay.

Adele:

I think, and depending on your religious and cultural background, that can be even more extreme. More traditional cultures and people who grew up in a really religious context, this will be off the scale. It’s one of the toughest things that people deal with, certainly clients that we’ve had, this is really hard core for them.

Adele: Because of the strong feelings that you’re experiencing and the embarrassment of dealing with this thing, that makes you want to shove it down, because you’re rejecting, it’s like that shame makes you reject looking at this thing in the first place. Because you’re kind of like, I don’t want to be near this thing. It’s like an insect, I don’t want to touch it. When you talk to people about it, they get uncomfortable and awkward about it.

Adele: You actually only have so many goes with your support network of discussing your divorce before everybody gets kind of uncomfortable because they think it’s contagious. They’re like, “Ooh, I’m going to catch this thing. I don’t want to talk about your bad marriage. My husband and I are strong. We’re strong.” You have all these people come up and go, “We’ve been together 26 years. We’re so happy.” You’re like, why are you telling me that? I’m going through a divorce right now.

Adele: I think that makes you want to reject it, but actually what you have to do, there is no shortcut to healing from an emotional and trauma based thing that you’ve gone through. You have to go through your emotions. You have to acknowledge and own your emotions, and do what’s called process them. Now the journey of processing, what does that actually mean? It sounds so woo woo, but actually it’s really practical.

Adele: When something happens, like a failure, or a shame based trauma like that, the first stages are feeling like this thing has happened to you, that’ll make you feel like a victim. That’s actually quite a normal stage. Do not reject that stage. It’s normal to feel victimised. Almost like, I didn’t want this. When I got married, I wanted everything to be great, and now this thing has happened, I didn’t want this. Victim is your first stage that you will go through.

Adele: Then you’ll oscillate between victim and the next stage, which is survivor, where you start to develop some coping mechanisms. You begin to kind of get on with your day, get dressed, go to work. You can go out a few times. You can talk to friends. You’re surviving, you’re actually coping. Over time your coping mechanisms get more sophisticated, but ultimately they’re wired in a particular way to make you avoid emotion, because that actually just puts you straight back into victim, and actually you prefer the space of survivor.

Adele: Survivor after a long time makes you resigned, which is why in your question you’re like, “Well, I just don’t have the willpower.” You’re actually resigned because you’ve suppressed this emotion because you don’t want to look at it, you’re ashamed of it, you don’t want to go there. Now you’re actually at this place where you’ve survived and coped for so long you just feel like void of emotion, and you’re actually now feeling a bit dead.

Adele: Really processing is about moving to the next two and three stages of the journey. You must get from survivor into a space called learning. Learning is confronting, because you have to then look back on the relationship, and your relationship to relationships, and reflect and process, what are the learnings from this whole situation? What can I be responsible for? What is it that I can see that I stepped over, or I could do better moving forward? What is it that I can learn from all this stuff that’s happened that will help me reflect and move on?

Adele: Learning is a critical component of healing. In fact, healing and learning are synonymous with each other. If you process all the learnings, and you really get to the crux of all the things you can learn, you will then heal. Then healing leads to the next stage of the journey, which is where you begin to have a feeling of victory, and teachings from your journey. You feel a real sense of, I really got over that and I feel kind of wiser for it. When you’re in that wisdom space, then you can, without judgement and preachy-ness, kind of share your own empowerment through the journey.

Adele: I would say in answer to your question, stop feeling embarrassed and ashamed that you’ve gone through this experience. About 50% of the world has had a divorce, at least one. It’s actually more common than you know. You shouldn’t feel like you’re wearing a scarlet letter on your chest, and beating your brow over what has happened. What you’ve got to do is stop the coping mechanism and the short term emotion avoidance tactics that take you out of feeling. You now need to embrace the feeling and embrace the learning. That’s kind of why we designed the Naked Divorce, because it’s a really structured process that takes people through that journey of learning, and healing, and getting to victory.

Adele: Because life is short man, I mean in reading your story, or your question, it indicates a little bit about the space that you’re in, and it’s sad. I feel sad listening to that question, because I’m like, why are you suffering? Suffering is always optional, and we’ve really got to take charge of our meanings that we make in life. You can’t control what’s happened, but you can always control your response to it, and the meaning that you create from it. Let this just be a chapter in a very, very long life, as opposed to now this defines your whole life, and it is a whole drama, and you’re just going to be beaten by it.

Simon:

Yeah. I get the sense, and obviously it’s a simple question, or it’s a short question, and it’s easy to add context to it which perhaps doesn’t exist. I do get the sense that they might even be trying to force potentially in the future, if not now, force a relationship, which maybe they’re just not ready for.

Simon: I mean, from what people I’ve seen go through, when they have gone through the processes, and they have gone through the emotions, which can be a difficult journey for sure, but when they get to the end of them they feel very light, and the idea of a relationship is totally okay. Whereas just a relatively short period of time, a week or a few weeks beforehand was inconceivable, and would have been a bad idea quite frankly. It’s like, yeah, why the hell, why wouldn’t I?

Simon: The conversation I had with people, many are saying that, “I’ll probably never find another partner.” It’s like, well we don’t need to worry about that right now, but actually you will, because we’ve both seen people go through. When they’re clean about it, actually this is kind of a follow up question, but my experience is that pretty quickly they’re really open to dating again, and kind of exploring. Is that your-

Adele:

The thing is, the critical component is, what is your context for dating? If your context for dating is, I’m really lonely and I feel like some broken creature that needs my other half, and I’ve got to find my other half. Then you basically just latch onto Fred, or Sally. You don’t even conduct due diligence. You’re just like, “You’ll do. You make me not feel lonely. Finally, I’m in a couple again. Whew.” That’s not empowering.

Adele: Really what you want to be is whole, and healed, and complete. Then you’re fulfilled as a person, and you’re whole and complete as a person, and you’re back to your empowered self. Because that raises your vibration, which means you will attract somebody at that same level of vibration, as opposed to a whole bunch of people clinging to each other on a life raft.

Simon:

Good analogy. Yeah, I guess if you’re feeling good about yourself, you’re feeling clean, you’re probably going to attract a better quality of person. I mean, to put it quite bluntly, right?

Adele:

Yeah.

Simon:

Cool. All right, so number three. What question do you think I should be asking you? This is also a question that’s come in, not me. What question do you think I should be asking you? I thought that was quite a good question.

Adele:

Do I regret anything?

Simon:

That’s the question they should ask you?

Adele:

Yeah. That’s actually a question that most clients ask me, is there anything you regret in your life Adele? It’s a hard one because philosophically I don’t believe in regrets, because I think that everything that happens in life is an opportunity to learn, and heal, and grow, and that kind of stuff. I think I regret moments where my actions, or lack of action, have unconsciously or consciously hurt other people. I think that is an area of sadness. I think that it’s important on your healing journey that if you have unconsciously or consciously hurt others by your actions or inactions, you must make reparations. Actually it’s an important part of that journey, is to kind of go, “You know what? I hurt somebody there. I’m going to do something to fix that.”

Simon:

Get it out. Cool.

Adele:

Reparation versus regret, it would be for me.

Simon:

Okay. Just hit my funny bone, that really hurt. Next question now, a bit more random. Okay, how do I work out the difference between lust and love? How do I work out the difference between lust and love? I like the way that’s phrased actually, how to work out the difference.

Adele:

It’s a good one actually. Lust is kind of almost has an addictive nature to it. It’s kind of like a can’t get enough of the person, but in a almost unhealthy way. You feel out of balance around that person. You sort of lose your mind a bit.

Simon:

A bit stalker-ey.

Adele:

A bit stalker-ey, but also not so … Yeah, a little bit stalker-ey, because you kind of can get a little bit you want to swallow this person whole and just like completely become engulfed in that situation. You’re completely heady. You don’t work properly. You don’t eat properly. You don’t function properly. You’re not a whole, and complete, and fulfilled human in that space. That’s like when somebody starts dating and they disappear, you don’t see them for a year. They’re in an unhealthy dynamic where they’re not actually being their best selves.

Adele: I think a definition for me would be, if you’re in a real lust relationship, you’re in an addictive situation where you lose your head, you’re feeling completely obsessed and like you must posses this person to feel whole and complete. You can’t function properly and you’re not the best version of yourself.

Adele: I think love, it’s quite quiet. It’s like a quiet knowing. It’s not panicky and full of frantic fraught-ness and anxiety. It’s a very peaceful knowing. Kind of a real connection, where your heart still sings. You still really, you have such a connection and a kindred-ness with the person, but you feel balanced. You can operate. You can work. You can miss the person, but you can still operate properly and work properly. You don’t need to literally be with them 24/7 to feel connected.

Simon:

Interesting. I would have probably tried to describe that quite differently. For me lust is much more of kind of a physical interaction. Visual, physical, sex, kissing, visually, a visual kind of-

Adele:

Okay, because I would have said lust could be either an emotional connection or physical. That’s interesting. You would have said just physical.

Simon:

Yeah. Visual, physical for sure. Whereas for me, love probably has some of that, and maybe even as much, but in addition, or possibly instead of, it’s more of a caring kind of energy. It’s wanting them. For me I think lust is a bit more selfish. It’s all about things that I would receive, sexy time and stuff like that. Whereas love is a lot of genuine still personal enjoyment, but out of giving to that person. I don’t know, cooking for them, or taking them to a restaurant that they would enjoy, or buying them a dress. A bit more of a giving kind of energy, and sort of broader. Walks in the park, or holidays. Whereas lust I personally think is a much more sort of physical interaction.

Simon: Okay. Actually there’s one I did want to not miss, so I’m going to jump to that now. Getting through, this is a bit of a kind of confessional almost initially. Getting through divorce has been terrible. Still no sleeping, no eating, but plenty of grieving for a long time. People say time will heal. A month out and the situation is still immensely and physically decapitating. How will taking an expensive cruise help if only time gone by is the answer? Again, I’ll read that again.

Simon: Getting through divorce has been terrible. Still no sleeping, eating, but plenty of grieving for a long time. People say time will heal. A month out and the situation is still immensely and physically decapitating. How will taking an expensive cruise help if only time gone by is the answer?

Adele:

No, it won’t, because the [inaudible 00:23:40] person you pack in that suitcase is yourself. No, I don’t think any cruise, or whatever, just like removing yourself and putting yourself in a different location is somehow going to make this journey easier. What you need to do is start taking steps to process what has happened, and actually go through a bit of a journey to get yourself out of that horrible pain feeling. Examine it from all angles so that you can learn and heal.

Adele: I mean, I see so many people do this. I don’t know how many of you have ever been to Bali, but if you ruck up in one of these exotic locations, it’s just full of people that have run away to heal. It’s just nonsense, because they’re not actually doing any healing, they’re just congregating over there, and letting their hair grow really long and get kind of hippie-ish in the thought that somehow this is what healing should look like. No, it’s just actually weird, because they stop washing and they get a bit strange. Actually what you need to be doing is actually-

Simon:

Basically not washing is not going to help, is that what you’re saying?

Adele:

It’s not good at all, no.

Simon:

Good to know.

Adele:

Because it’s not a healthy, what we call grounded routine. The reason your emotions are all over the place is probably in your nutrition you’re not helping yourself. There’s actually, in The Naked Divorce we have a whole nutrition plan, and actually writing a book about that. You’ve got to avoid certain foods. You’ve got to have more of other foods, because it will make you have that pain feeling even more. You’ve got to adopt healthy, grounded routines that kind of stabilise you. It’s probably if we had to analyse exactly what you were doing every day, we could probably pinpoint about 10 to 15 things that if you removed them, you would stabilise a lot more, and the emotions would calm down. Yeah, no. An expensive cruise, nah. Save your [inaudible 00:25:45] and do a programme that processes it instead.

Simon:

I mean, it’s a slightly different situation, but I did try the same thing. I remember myself, I had been working as a graphic designer in London for 10, 12 years, and some annoying person invented this thing called the web, and I knew that my, I was working in publishing, and I kind of knew that this spelled the end of my career. I did want to kind of avoid that knowledge, and so I basically went on a tour around the world to have a rethink about my career, redirection, and most of the time I just spent my time in the pub. Having lots of great journeys, and it was a very great time, and it was educational in its own way, but probably about two thirds of the way around I was like, yeah, no lightning bolt has come my way. I have actually got no more idea about which direction I’m going to go in.

Simon: I went and bought a bunch a books. I can’t remember what those were. Found my Parachute was one of the books I bought. Then I did actually do some work on myself, and eventually I did reach a conclusion. I came back, got an interview at the university. Yeah, nothing happened until I had to kind of annoyingly had to go through some process. I found it really hard actually to work out what i was going to do. I guess what we’re saying there that, yes, just a different location in itself isn’t good.

Simon: I would add that there is something to be said for a different location, if you’re doing some work. [crosstalk 00:27:20]

Adele:

I’ve had clients who they’ll take themselves off to a different location and then go and read lots of books. That doesn’t help either, because transformation is not, it doesn’t happen in isolation. You actually have to process it through a structure, and a journey, and you have communications and stuff. Retreats are great, because that’s an opportunity to actually, it’s an intensive learning journey and a healing journey, facilitated and are basically-

Simon:

Sorry to interrupt. I do think when people are in a different location, their mind does expand a little bit, they’re away from having to do the dishes, and the vacuuming, and that stuff.

Adele:

I think that context is good, but it must be a context set up for healing. An expensive cruise is not set up for healing, it’s set up for drinking cocktails and engaging in hundreds of short term emotion avoidance tactics. Okay, great. You can basically say, “I’ve had a good holiday.” I come back from the holiday and i basically unpack the self that I packed originally, and now I’m still in pain and not moved on. It’s just silly.

Simon:

Yeah. Okay. I’m just seen the maid over your shoulder cleaning the windows, which is quite hilarious. I have to ignore her. Okay. I think we’ll probably do one, maybe two more questions. Okay, I’ll do this one actually. This is about you as an author. Now you’ve published several books, what are your top tips for someone planning to write their first book? There’s actually a follow up question, which I’ll give to you now. Are your books the main way that clients find you, or are they the option that your more price sensitive clients can go for to get help if they can’t afford to work with you in person?

Adele: Okay, so I would say first and foremost the reason to write a book in the first place, that’s really where to begin, is to get clear why are you doing it? You’re doing it because you’re committed, you have something you want to say about a particular topic. You want to do some thought leadership stuff in that topic, and you want to add something that no one else has really added. You’ve got to get clear about that. Don’t just write a book so that you can be a published author. You’ve actually got to have a bit of a mission to add something and make something leap forward. You’ve got to have that intentionality behind it.

Adele:

The second thing is, unless you are John Grisham or whatever, you’re not necessarily going to become a millionaire from writing a book. I wouldn’t expect that, and I don’t actually care about that. What it is, is if it’s about making a difference in thought leadership, that’s really the right context.

Adele: It is a way for people who can’t afford my services to engage with my ideas and to do some of my programmes, because I care about that, that’s my mission. I think it’s more that than it is a very definite way that people find us. Yes it is, people do find us through the books and stuff, but I would say that more effective marketing channels are probably online marketing, referrals, talks, podcasts, that kind of stuff. Book is just one of them. It’s just another way that people can absorb your content.

Adele: In terms of writing a book, it takes so much discipline.

Simon:

Let’s not say how long it took to launch the last one. Let’s skip over that bit.

Adele:

Indeed. Let’s not say it. That is our secret. Anyway. I think it’s an immense amount of discipline, an immense amount of dedication and hard work. You’ve got to kind of, the way that I would say it is, I would plan the whole thing out before you write anything. I have mind maps for all the chapters, be like, all right, if this is the problem that we want to solve, and this is the book I’m going to write, this is the problem. Then you break it down. If this was the problem we want to solve, this is all the different aspects and elements of it. I would have each one has its own mind map with its own topics.

Adele: I would basically plan the entire book and every single chapter before you write anything. That’s what I did, and that’s what I do when I write things. You’ve got to have a good editor. I’m really lucky, I’ve got an awesome editor. She’s just an amazing woman who used to work at Penguin. Yeah, and just keep going. You’ve got to structure writing often, and a lot. I find writing around what I’m doing much simpler to do than to go on a book retreat. Book retreats have never worked for me. I get up at like 4:30, 5:00 in the morning, and I’ll write for two hours, three or four times a week, as opposed to disappearing for two weeks where I actually just end up drinking lots of cocktails and forgetting everything.

Simon:

Yeah. I did kind of the same thing. I’ve also written a book a long time ago now, and I felt the mind maps was a really critically essential piece. It didn’t take actually that long, a couple of hours, some quiet time. Maybe allow yourself two or three hours, based on my experience. Come up with a central topic, branch off 10 things which are probably other chapters, and off of those probably come up with 10 items you’re going to include in each chapter. For me what I did was then put an expectation in terms of the quantity of words against each bit. That just gave me something to kind of aim for. Some would be a little bit more, some would be a little bit less. That would be it.

Simon: Okay. All right, so about to do the last question. Don’t think we need a quick pause. Okay we don’t need a quick pause.

Adele:

No, it’s fine.

Simon:

Okay. All right. Now this was written I’m assuming by somebody that English wasn’t their first language, because there’s a few funny sort of typos in here, so I’m going to have to piece this together a little bit.

Simon: It seems nobody stays together anymore. The word, now they’ve actually written convection, but I assume they mean conviction. The word conviction, fighting for each other seems to mean nothing. People are looking for the easy way out. It is exhausting trying to find someone who is ready to fight and stay true to a relationship. The question is, why do you think our society has evolved to that? I think that’s what they’re trying to say. Why has the term conviction died? The core question is, why do you think the society has evolved into a lack of conviction, and why has the term conviction died in relationships, or commitment?

Adele:

I think it’s a great question actually. It really, if you look at how society has changed over the last few decades, there’s this real trend towards instant gratification. We have this kind of, you need something, you go to the internet, you get it immediately, you answer a question, you get it immediately. You order it, Amazon delivers. It’s all super fast.

Adele: In the ’50s and the ’60s we really had this concept of, if something’s broken, you fix it. Nowadays, if something’s broken, we’re more entitled, we’re like, “Well, it’s broken, I don’t want to be around that. I’m just going to get rid of it.” We throw things away much easier, and that’s a real societal thing that is a big trend sweeping particularly western cultures and the western world.

Adele: What I will say is that’s not true for everybody. If you’re attracting that into your world, you’re attracting people that seem to quit all the time, and don’t seem to have much staying power in relationship, and you’re seeing only that, you’ve got to keep in mind that what you see and what you attract is very much-

Simon:

A reflection.

Adele:

It’s kind of given by your context and your own beliefs about the world. If your beliefs are, there’s no one out there that has staying power and that kind of conviction to fight for something, that’s all you will know and all you will attract. You actually have what we call a cognitive dissonance. There’s something within you, which is a belief towards something you don’t want. I don’t want people that have no conviction, but I believe that everyone has no conviction, therefore all I see are people that have no conviction, that’s what I attract. Because what you perceive is what you project, and that’s actually what you will attract into your life.

Adele: What my coaching would be for you is don’t worry about being so right about that point of view, about why the whole world is like that. Yes, there is that happening, but I don’t attract that into my life. I know a lot of people that don’t attract that into their life. You’ve got to ask yourself, why am I attracting that into my life? I would coach you to say you need to do some work, and some healing, and some learning around where does that context for life come from? What are the steps that I can take to actually shift that context so that I can have a more empowering context? Because everything I attract and get in my life will be dictated by my context.

Adele: If there’s some coaching and stuff you want to do, I mean, that’s something we do within our Naked Recovery programmes. We help people shift these kinds of cognitive dissonances and issues. Really what it will be is there’s an unresolved trauma from your past, where that has happened, and either happened time and time again, and you now have evidence that supports that that is what the world is like, but it’s not necessarily true.

Simon:

Yeah. Actually even if it were true on the big scale, that’s actually really relevant to an individual person.

Adele:

Totally.

Simon:

National or international trends, they might be factual perhaps, and I think there is possibly some proof that could be out there to sort of back up, I’m assuming it’s a he for some reason, about that. Actually when it comes to an individual person that’s really irrelevant, and I think that’s a really good point.

Simon: At the same time I do wonder on the big scale if that was true, and I think there could be a number of things that would potentially add to that. I think more people have careers these days, a lot of those careers are much more international than they have been ever in the course of history. That’s a difficult for a relationship, where one partner is maybe moving to America, or New Zealand, or Asia, or wherever. That other person, well they’ve got their own plans, they’ve got their own careers. There’s a lot more dual careers in relationships now than there has been in the past.

Adele:

I think then my point will be, something that has to be said is you have to conduct proper due diligence at the start of a relationship. I think a lot of people that wind up in relationships where there are these fundamental big changes that happen, where their staying power doesn’t happen, at some point you skipped something in the due diligence. You didn’t check, okay wow, she actually does want to have children. Oh wow, actually she doesn’t want to live where I’m living, she always wanted to move back. It might not be that that person doesn’t have staying power. It might be a function of your own lack of due diligence, you didn’t determine issues that would have come along down the track enough in advance, so then it occurs like a conviction problem, but actually it’s just you didn’t do proper due diligence from the get go.

Simon:

I mean, due diligence sounds so kind of corporate, right? I guess if you go on first dates and stuff, you get a feel for somebody, and some of those you know are at best going to be a short term fling, and that’s unlikely to have a lot of staying power. Others could grow into a longer term relationship, so that might be something there.

Simon: Okay, I think we will wrap it up there. Lots of other questions, but I wanted to keep this fairly short, and we’re getting close to the sort of 40 minute market. I think that’s a good kind of size for this event. There’s no pitch. There’s no thing here. We just wanted to give this content to people. We would ask, if people do have any thoughts, if they thought this was valuable to them, just ping us an email to [email protected]. [email protected]. If this is something that you felt [inaudible 00:40:39] from, this is probably something we’ll do again. If you didn’t, then let us know too, or if you thought there was a better way we could do it. Just really want to get your feedback. If it does engage people, then I’m sure we’ll do this again. I though it was valuable actually. I quite enjoyed doing it. How about you?

Adele:

Yeah, I did actually. I think if you have any more questions, just feel free to send them through. We have enough questions, like I said too, we could do so many sessions out of this. We’ve got like seven or eight sessions we can do now. I think if you just keep the questions coming, we can just do this every few weeks and answer these questions, and try and debunk some of the myths or the misunderstandings that people have in this. Whether it be divorce, or any PTSD, or any trauma that you’re going through in life, I mean that’s what we do. We can answer those questions and possibly assist you along your healing journey.

Simon: Yeah. Just one boring detail there. If you do send an email through to us, just please let us know, this is a question for the Ask Me Anything. Because of course sometimes we arrive at a question like, oh, what the hell are we doing this? It’s not always clearly labelled. That would really Piper, our assistant, to actually understand what’s going on. Just send an email through, [email protected], and just note there this is for the Ask Me Anything thing.

Okay, that’s it from us. Thank you people. Thanks for listening, and hopefully we’ll speak to you again soon.

Adele:

Thanks. Bye.

Understanding PTSD:

My PTSD symptoms

The first step in coping with PTSD is to understand how it affects you. Look at the symptoms below, and tick any that have affected you at least twice in the last week.

• Upsetting thoughts or memories about the event that have come into your mind against your will [  ]
• Upsetting dreams about the event [  ]
• Acting or feeling as though the event were happening again [  ]
• Feeling upset by reminders of the event [  ]
• Bodily reactions (such as fast heartbeat, stomach churning, sweatiness, dizziness) when reminded of the event [  ]
• Difficulty falling or staying asleep [  ]
• Irritability or outbursts of anger [  ]
• Difficulty concentrating [  ]
• Heightened awareness of potential dangers to yourself and others [  ]
• Being jumpy or being startled at something unexpected [  ]

My thoughts and beliefs

Trauma affects how we think about ourselves, other people, and the world around us. These thoughts and beliefs can powerfully affect how we live our lives. It is helpful to reflect on how trauma has affected us.

Write down your answers to the following questions.

• Things I thought as I was experiencing trauma
• How my trauma has affected the way I think about myself
• How my trauma affected the way I think about other people
• How my trauma affected the way I think about the world
• Calming the threat system: Relaxed Breathing

Controlling your breathing sends a signal to your threat system that everything is ok. Calm breathing is slow, relaxed, and from the diaphragm (‘belly breathing’), whereas anxious breathing is quick, tense, and high up in the chest.

1. Begin by sitting somewhere comfortable but supported
2. If you feel comfortable to do so close your eyes, otherwise stare off into the middle distance
3. Breathe in slowly and steadily for a count of 3
4. Breathe out slowly and steadily for a count of 5. Our bodies relax most on the out-breath
5. Repeat for a few minutes. It’s normal for your attention to wander off. If it does, just gently bring it back to focus on your breathing.

Calming the threat system:

Colored Breathing

Another technique for slowing your breathing and calming your mind is to use imagery while you breathe. Some people find it helpful to imagine breathing colored air. You can memorize these instructions, you could ask someone to read then slowly for you, or you could record yourself speaking them and then listen to the recording.

1. Imagine a color representing tension, or tense feelings
2. As you breathe, calmly and steadily, imagine breathing out air tinged with that tense color
3. See the colored air in your mind’s eye, and watch as you breathe it out and it floats away
4. Allow the tense colored air to become paler and paler, as you breathe out all of the tension
5. Now bring to mind a color representing calming, soothing feelings
6. Imagine breathing in this relaxed colored air
7. Just notice what happens in your body as you imagine breathing in the relaxed air
8. Continue breathing this way for a few minutes

Swing Breathing

Swing breathing is another imagery technique for slowing your breathing and calming your mind. You can memorize these instructions, you could ask someone to read then slowly for you, or you could record yourself speaking them and then listen to the recording.

Allow your breathing to become slower … and more regular. Just focusing your attention on your breath … on the air flowing in … and out … of your mouth and nose.

Your breathing finding a steady rhythm. Breathing gently from low down in the belly. Taking slow steady breaths. Breathing in gently … and slowly and smoothly exhaling … Breathing in gently … and slowly and smoothly exhaling.

And as you continue to breathe slowly and gently … in a rhythm that’s comfortable to you … I’d like you to imagine … and then begin to feel … that you’re on a swing. Gently swinging backwards … and forwards … backwards … and forwards … finding that you’re swinging in rhythm with your breathing … just gently swinging … relaxed and peaceful. Pay attention to how it feels to swing gently forwards … and backwards … peaceful … relaxed … at ease. Just swinging gently … and smoothly … smoothly .. and gently.

And you can carry on breathing calmly and gently for as long as you like. Relaxing into this gentle rhythm more and more as time goes by.

Muscle relaxation

When we feel under threat our muscles tense up – ready to fight or take flight. Keeping the muscles tense is one of the body’s ways of trying to keep you safe. One way of letting your body know that you are safe is to deliberately relax all of your muscles.

Progressive muscle relaxation involves tensing, then relaxing, all of the muscle groups in turn. Find a comfortable spot, sitting or lying down. Then, for each of the muscle groups in turn, follow this pattern:

1. Tense the muscles
2. Notice the tension for a few moments
3. Release
4. Notice the sensation of relaxation as the tension drains away

Relax each of the muscle groups in turn:

• Fists
• Upper arms
• Shoulders (lift up slightly)
• Upper back (shoulders back slightly)
• Stomach
• Buttocks
• Thighs
• Lower legs / calves
• Feet
• Neck (gently move neck back)
• Forehead
• Muscles around eyes (scrunch face up)
• Jaw

Creating a safe place

A safe place is somewhere that you create using your mind and imagination. It is a place that you can go anytime, wherever you are.

For some people, it is a place that they remember from their past as being particularly safe and calm. For others, they cannot easily remember a time like this from their past and so they work on creating one for themselves now. Either way, the same process applies. You can have more than one safe place and it can change over time as you wish. It is your creation and your own personal ideal.

It is useful for your safe place to have certain qualities though: it needs to be a place you feel calm, not judged, warm, free and above all safe.

How to create a safe place:

1. If you feel comfortable enough, close your eyes and take a deep breath in and count to three. Then breathe out slowly to the count of five. Do this several times. As before, spend some time slowing down and controlling your breathing until you reach a calm and soothing rhythm. As you breathe in, imagine you are breathing in a sense of safeness and relaxation. As you breathe out, imagine you are breathing out all of the tension in your body.
2. Begin to imagine a place where you feel calm – where are you?
3. Focus on what you can see, take a minute to look all around you in your mind. You may perhaps even turn around to see what’s behind. Concentrate on any objects that you can see, the colors around you and areas of lightness and darkness.
4. Focus on what you can hear, take your time to notice the noises, even the subtle ones. What noises can you hear close by? What noises can you hear in the distance?
5. Focus on what you can smell. Again, take a minute to really notice the smells around you.
6. What can you feel? Is it hot or cold? Are there textures under your feet?
7. Focus on any taste in the image and notice this for a minute or two.
8. Now focus on how you feel in your body, feelings of calm and safety in this image. Focus on the release of tension. Where do you feel this feeling in your body?
9. Keep imagining your safe place in as much detail as possible and revisit that feeling of calm and safeness over and over, noticing where you feel it in your body.
10. Is there a word that might remind you of your safe place? If so, what is it? If you have a word, repeat it in your mind over and over as you keep your safe place in your mind.
11. When you are ready, take some deep breaths in again and slowly open your eyes, trying to hold onto that calm feeling.

Remember, you can come back to it whenever you want to. The easiest way to do this is to start by slowing down and controlling your body and to repeat the word that you picked that reminded you of your safe place. In doing so, it will be easier to return to your safe place whenever you would like.

Safe place:

Write a description of your safe place in as much detail as you can. Remember to include information from all your senses. What word have you chosen to remind you of your safe place?

Coping with memories:

Use all of your senses

When we are having a flashback, or as we wake up from a nightmare, our awareness of the things around us in the here-and-now can be diminished. Just as we can re-experience traumatic memories in all of our five senses, we can use those five senses to try and ‘ground’ us back in the present.

Sight

Look around you and use those sights to remind yourself that you’re in the present and that you are safe.

Touch

It can be helpful to carry an object with us that remind us that we are safe, such as a stress ball, a pebble, or a flower.

Hearing

Focus on all of the noises around you in the present moment. Use them to remind you of where you are.

Smell

Smell can be one of the most powerful ways of learning to soothe and comfort yourself Try using essential oils, your favorite plants, or any comforting aroma.

Taste

Strong tastes such as chewing gum can be helpful. For people who re-experience ‘taste memories’ it can be helpful to focus on the absence of taste in the present moment.

Coping with memories: 5-4-3-2-1

When our minds and bodies feel as if they are fully immersed in the past, using all of our senses at once can be a very effective way of bringing ourselves back into the present. Focus on:

5 things you can see

1:

2:

3:

4:

5:

4 things you can feel / touch

1:

2:

3:

4:

3 things you can hear

1:

2:

3:

2 things you can smell

1:

2:

1 thing you can taste

1:

Reminding yourself it was in the past

When a memory is triggered it can feel as if the traumatic event is happening all over again. Our minds and bodies can feel like we are back in the moment the trauma took place, rather than recognizing that we are revisiting a memory.

During a flashback, we often describe what we can see or sense in the present tense. For example, Alex said “he’s standing right in front of me and I can see him” whilst he was having a flashback.

To help put the memory in the past, it is useful to practice rephrasing your common thoughts about the event in the past tense, particularly whenever you have a flashback memory or after having a nightmare. This technique is most helpful while we are in the midst of a flashback. It may seem simple but it can be a powerful technique to help your brain, in the heat of the moment, remember that it is not happening all over again. Here are some examples

Write your most common thoughts when you’re having a flashback and then rephrase them so they are in the past. Practice saying them to yourself often.

Current thinking:

Remembering the past:

It’s just a memory

Remember, our brains (particularly our amygdala) don’t care whether something is happening in real life or whether it is a memory – our minds and bodies react in the same way by activating the threat system.

A simple yet effective technique is reminding yourself that you are responding to a memory rather than the actual event. This can be helpful in reminding your brain that you are not, in fact, back in danger. Try writing a statement down on a card to carry round with you.

For example, Alex would write down and look at the phrase:

When I was attacked the man stood right in front of me, he is not in front of me now. I am just remembering the memory of when I was attacked. THIS IS MY MIND AND BODY REACHING TO A MEMORY. IT IS NOT HAPPENING AGAIN.

If you feel comfortable with it, you may also consider asking your partner or a friend to gently remind you that you are responding to a memory, that the trauma is not happening again, and that you are safe.

Fast forward to safety

When we are bothered by flashbacks we often forget that we can have control over the memories and that we can control our own minds. It is very important to remind ourselves that we are safe, and that the events are over. One way to do this is to think of our memories as being like a video tape, and to remember that we can fast forward it.

Here are some steps in helping you train your mind to ‘fast forward to safety’

1) Think of your traumatic event

2) Think about the first time you felt safe afterwards – really picture this scene as clearly as you can in your mind. Where were you? What were you doing? Who were you with? How did you know that you were safe? Don’t forget to think of all five of your senses.

3) Write down a description of this moment of safety.

4) When you have a flashback, practice ‘fast forwarding’ to this safe time. Quickly see everything that happened after the moment in the flashback, and then focus on the feeling of safety telling yourself that it is in the past. Try and focus on how this safety feels in your body. Try and stay with that feeling of safety for as long as possible.

The more you practice this, the better your brain will get at putting these memories in the past.

The differences between then and now

Remind yourself of things that have changed since the time of the trauma. For example, if you have had your birthday you can remind yourself “I am 45 now and was 44 when I was in a car accident”. You may have changed your physical appearance and remind yourself “I have long hair now but it was short when I witnessed the robbery”

What has changed for you since you experienced the traumatic event?

Grounding the date

Remind yourself the current date, where you are, the time of day etc. For example, “today is Thursday 5th May 2017. I am at work. It is 10:55am. It is spring and it is sunny outside. I am safe. I survived”. You may take this further by writing down and reminding yourself that the traumatic event took place at another time. For example, it took place on a winter afternoon in December.

When did the traumatic event take place? What is the current date? Can you describe the here-and-now?

Noticing triggers for flash backs

Flashbacks and intrusive memories can be triggered by reminders that are linked to the traumatic event: someone who has been in a car accident might be triggered by the sight of certain cars, the sound or traffic, or sirens.

Like trauma memories, the mind and body doesn’t seem to be able to recognize that these things (i.e. sights, sounds, smells etc.) are no longer signs of danger. Instead, the mind and body react as if they are under threat.

It is important, therefore, to try to train the brain to break the link between then and now and to help the brain recognize that these things are no longer signs of danger.

The first part is to first identify what might trigger your flashbacks and intrusive memories.

Some of Alex’s triggers were:

• Knives
• People standing behind me
• Dark streets

Some of my triggers are:

Flashback triggers – breaking the link

Next, systematically think about the differences between what you experienced during the trauma and how different things are now.

Helping with self-harm

People self-harm for a variety of reasons. Sometimes it is to cope with powerful emotions, to distract from something overwhelming, or to feel something instead of feeling numb.

Unfortunately, it can come with severe unintended consequences, such as causing lasting physical damage to our bodies. This can be a dangerous way of trying to cope.

Self-harm often serves a purpose, so just trying “nor to do it” can feel impossible. It can be helpful to find out more about the reasons why you self-harm and then try a different behavior instead of harming yourself.

Working out why I self-harm

• To express pain and strong emotion [  ]
• To deal with anger [  ]
• To feel something when I feel numb and disconnected [  ]
• To calm down [  ]
• To see blood [  ]

Any other reasons:

What are my triggers?

What could I substitute instead of self-harm?

If you self-harm to… express pain and intense emotion, try writing down your feelings, drawing or painting how you feel, writing down difficult feelings then ripping them up, or listening to music which expresses how you’re feeling.

If you self-injure to… deal with anger that you cannot express openly, try working through those feelings by doing something different – running, dancing fast, screaming, punching a pillow, throwing something, ripping something apart.

If you hurt yourself in order to… feel something when you feel numb inside, hold ice cubes in one hand and try to crush them, hold a package of frozen food, take a very cold shower, chew something with a very strong taste (like chili peppers, raw ginger, or a grapefruit peel), wear an elastic rubber band around your wrist and snap it (in moderation to avoid bruising).

If you inflict physical pain to… calm yourself, try taking a bubble bath, doing deep breathing, writing in a journal, drawing, or doing some yoga.

If you self-harm to… see blood, try drawing a red ink line where you would usually cut yourself, in combination with any of the other suggestions above.

Remember, understanding and knowledge are key. Try to make a note of every time you feel the urge to harm yourself. Write down what was happening at that time and what was going through your mind. Also, make a note of what you did to cope, taking care to write down which behaviors you found helpful and which ones were less helpful to channel and soothe your feelings of distress.

Sleeping better:

Sleep hygiene

PTSD often affects our ability to sleep. We may have difficulty getting to sleep if we lie in bed thinking about how our life has changed and wondering if things will get better. We may avoid going to sleep for fear that we might have more nightmares. If we do manage to get to sleep we may then wake up after experiencing nightmares. It is normal to have difficulty getting back to sleep.

The tips and ideas below have been selected to try and help you increase the chance of getting better sleep.

1. Bed is for sleeping and sleeping happens at night-time

• Try and keep your bedroom and bed for sleeping only
• Avoid sleeping in the day
• Develop a routine before bed time such as having a relaxing bath or listening to some relaxing music and go to bed at around the same time each night. Try and wake up around the same time each morning. Small children find habits and routines comforting, and the same things work for adults too. As adults, we forget that these things apply to us as well
• If you cannot sleep after 30 minutes, get up and try an activity such as listening to some music. Do this for about 15 minutes then return to bed and try and sleep. Repeat this as often as is necessary until you go to sleep
• Make your bedroom a nice place to sleep – try smells or flowers (or some new bed sheets!)

2. Be kind to your body

• Do not go to bed hungry
• Try and avoid spicy food late in the day as this can act as a stimulant in our bodies
• Reduce caffeine but definitely avoid caffeine after 4pm- remember caffeine is also found in tea and fizzy drinks like pop. You can buy de-caffeinated versions of these drinks if needed
• Although alcohol can initially make us feel sleepy, it stops us from experiencing restful sleep and is not great for PTSD or Adrenal Fatigue. It can also make it harder to fall asleep again, if you wake up in the middle of the night

Coping with nightmares

Practice calming yourself down after a nightmare by using any of the previous techniques.

Having a card with the information from the tips previously tried may help ground you back in the moment. For example, you may have a card with the phrase ‘I am safe, it is May 2011 and I am in my bedroom’ by your bedside to read after you wake from a nightmare.

Having a picture that reminds you of the present can also be useful to have by your bedside if waking from a nightmare as it will help your brain focus on the present and calm your threat system quicker.

Taking a smell to bed and having it ready can, again, be a useful way to help your brain remember where you are following a nightmare. A calm and soothing smell can also help you get off back off to sleep after a nightmare.

Try: Any of the other grounding strategies that you have developed can be helpful if you wake from a nightmare

Re-scripting nightmares

If you experience frequent nightmares, especially the same or similar dream over and over, then research has shown that you can ‘rescript’ the nightmare to make it much less powerful. For example, someone who had nightmares about being in a road traffic accident imagined that the road was made of marshmallows and was soft and bouncy.

Method 1

Spend time in the day thinking of the nightmare but practicing a different ending: an ending you would prefer and that makes you feel safe. Practice the repeat ending over and over in your imagination. The more you can rehearse new ending the better chance your brain has of remembering it. It might also be helpful to talk through your nightmares with someone else. It doesn’t matter how odd the new ending might be, or that it didn’t really happen.

Method 2

Think about your nightmare from the perspective of a Hollywood script writer:

1. Write down your nightmare as though it were a story
2. Think about how you would want to feel different if you could change the nightmare
3. Change some of the events in the nightmare that would lead to the new feeling
4. Write the new ‘script’ for the nightmare. Rehearse it to yourself.

This is a very unique event, dreamed up by husband and business partner to help hundreds of the less privileged children in Northern Thailand. This is done in connection with friends at Asia Hope, Foundation for Developing and Supporting Children, and the Toonpannya Scholarship Foundation.

The goal is provide an environment for these future world influencers to learn creative problem solving entrepreneurial skills. Team dynamics, leadership, risk-taking, negotiating skills are all heavily in play through a day of educational motivating and personal growth ‘games’.

Now in it’s third year, this event has really grown to a significant fixture in these people’s lives. The breakthroughs and transformations it produces are nothing less than beautiful, there’s often a few tears from the volunteers, and it’s incredibly rewarding to be part of the day.

This team demonstrates expert leadership, co-ordination, organisation and execution
to smash ‘Block Builder’ in just a few seconds.

It’s worth explaining that for the most part the participants are all orphans, who are housed, fed, and educated through the amazing life-changing work that these organisations do. Most of these people are considered non-citizens here in Thailand, and thus they do not have any paperwork, and fall outside of any social care. They would literally starve to death on the streets if it weren’t for these charities.

If you do wish to learn more, get involved, or make a donation of any type (presents, cash, equipment, or other donations are incredibly helpful) then please get in contact and we direct you to the right people.

It’s my husband Simon’s belief that these people perhaps more than any others that need to learn these creative skills to make it. They won’t be getting any state handouts, and at some point in the not-too-distant future they will have outgrown their orphanages and need to venture out into the world on their own. They are largely un-employable because they do not hold the necessary paperwork for legal employment.

We need to give them all the skills we can to help them find their own way forward in the world.

Here’s a few more pics from Play Brave 3…

If you would like more information on any of these Charities, or about Play Brave in the future just let us know.

So, we got quite a few questions and comments from people from our website that ask things like how do we prevent all the drama around Christmas…

or people commenting that they find Christmas really stressful and challenging.

And it is that way for a lot of people, because a lot of expectations arise around Christmas. It’s supposed to be magical, it’s supposed to be beautiful and awesome, and people find quite a lot of stress and pressure around that, needing to kind of fulfil all these expectations that they have.

I want to talk about some things that you can do to minimise all that kind of stress and challenge

So I want to talk about some things that you can do to minimise all that kind of stress and challenge, and to have a more drama free Christmas.

One concept that I talk about with my clients is the concept of managing the trees that we climb. What I actually mean by that is managing how much drama that we have within our lives.

So, first things first is going into Christmas, you need to take a look at what are all the filters, perceptions, beliefs, ideals, and expectations that you have about how Christmas is supposed to be.

How it should be, how people should be, what does this whole kind of space shuttle launch that you’re preparing for is supposed to look like, because all those things actually set you up for stress, because there’s that expectation, there’s that feeling now that all these things are supposed to happen, and these people should behave a particular way, or they will behave that way because that’s the way I always expect them to behave. 

All that kind of pressure and stress actually becomes a metaphorical tree in our lives, and if we get really invested in finding evidence for those things in our lives, we can wind up climbing right to the top of that tree, so far up that talking us down from that kind of very, very fixed position that we have, it’s like a nightmare, right?

I mean, sometimes I’ll get on a call with somebody, I’ll be like, “Wow. What tree have you just climbed? How did you get up there? Hello, can you hear me? Can you come down, like one branch at a time so we can actually get you back into neutrality and back into balance?”

Wow. What tree have you just climbed?

So first things first, identify what are these filters and perceptions that you have of Christmas and all that kind of stuff going with it.

Those thoughts that you have well, oh, Uncle Fred is going to tell the worst jokes, and Mary’s just going to irritate me, because she’s going to ask me why am I still single, and you’ve got some other person that always gives uncomfortable hugs, or whatever it is that you think and believe will definitely happen.

The thing to get about that is whatever you believe is definitely going to happen, you will end up projecting that onto the situation.

You will climb this metaphorical tree where you find evidence for those things to happen, and we are so invested in being right about what we believe you don’t actually give anybody a chance, and we don’t actually just let people just be who they are and be laid back about it.

So in validating those beliefs and finding evidence for those beliefs, we can actually create a drama out of that situation out of nothing. 

The reality is that the same situation can be perceived completely differently from two different perspectives, or three, or four, five different perspectives, so at a single dinner table, you can have Uncle Fred telling his jokes. You can have you sitting in one corner going, “Oh, here we go again. They’re going to be the worst jokes ever.”

Perceptions of the same event can be polar-opposite

And you got somebody else sitting on the other side of the table going, “Oh, there was a bit of a lull in the dinner. Isn’t it great that he’s livened it up with some jokes? Gosh, that was really funny.” And it’s exactly the same. It’s still Fred telling jokes, so no one’s right. It’s different perspectives, and ultimately you’re in charge of what perspective, and perception, and belief, and expectation that you bring onto Christmas, and onto life in general.

So some tips to be aware of, is first things first, identify what are these kind of preconceived notions, and ideas, and beliefs that you have about Christmas where you are so kind of project managing things to achieve those particular results or outcome in Christmas. 

Second thing is to kind of manage yourself and be aware of where of where you are actually investing in finding evidence for those things to be true.

What are the metaphorical Christmas trees you are climbing?

What are the trees, the Christmas trees, the big metaphorical trees that you are climbing that you’re right about where you get so invested in it that you’re so far up into the atmosphere at the top tree that you’re not actually present, and just in the now, and just enjoying what is?

Manage yourself in being aware of those reactions, and if you find yourself that you’ve climbed a tall tree, just notice it, and just go, “Okay, I’ve climbed a tall tree called this day isn’t going very well, and these people are really irritating, and I just want to get out of here.” Maybe just slow that down.

Everybody’s just being who they are. This is good. I can handle this. I’m going to have a good Christmas.

Just manage yourself climbing down from that tree, calmly and peacefully. Have a bit of a giggle about it, and return yourself back to neutrality where you just remember that people are just doing what they’re doing, and I’m the one that’s adding all the drama, and the chaos, and climbing trees over these stupid situations. So, managing those reactions are critical to enjoyment of it.

So, managing those reactions are critical to enjoyment of it

And the last tip is whatever you focus on will expand. So if you believe that Christmas is stressful and challenging, you are going to create that. If you believe that Christmas is magical and awesome, and you’re going to have a really fun, chill day, then that’s what you will create, because human beings are incredibly good at finding evidence for whatever it is that their theories are. 

Whatever you focus on will expand

So manage those different things across Christmas, and I really wish you a very merry Christmas, and let this year be a drama free Christmas for you and your family. Til next year, thanks.