Pain is a great motivator…
When you put your hand on a hot stove, what makes you pull it away? Pain. Physical pain is your body’s way of telling you that you need to take action and change the situation before you do yourself serious harm.
When it comes to your emotional wellbeing, we feel emotional pain for the same reason it’s our body’s way of telling us we need to take action, we need to change the situation to avoid further harm.
Been through a traumatic life event such as divorce, bereavement, physical trauma, bankruptcy, redundancy, miscarriage, family dispute or something else?
In the early stages, it’s that acute, unbearable mental pain that makes you say: I can’t go on like this. I have to find a way to make this stop. That’s good.
… But what happens when the worst of the pain subsides? When you get to the point where it still hurts, but you can live with it?
This is the danger zone. You haven’t fully healed, but you aren’t driven to get better by a pain you can’t bear. This is the point where many people stall in their recovery – and that’s why, if this is where you are in your healing, it’s crucial that you find another way to keep up the momentum and keep pushing yourself to get back to peak performance.
The good news is, this motivator is no longer pain. Instead of running away from something, you’ve reached the point where you’re running too something: a positive goal that you can work towards, rather than a negative to escape from.
The unfortunate reality is that most people never complete their healing process fully because as soon as the pain disappears they think their healing is complete. It isn’t.
Adele Theron
Fake It ‘til You Make It
The important thing here is to focus on a positive goal that’s within your power to achieve.
If you’re healing from a horrible life event such as a breakup for example, it’s not helpful to set yourself a goal like, “I want to be married by the time I’m 35” or “I’m going to have a new girlfriend by this time next month”. These are things that depend on other people and their desires, putting them outside of your control. Instead, you need to focus on your own behaviour.
Imagine the kind of person you want to be, and set that ideal as your role model. How would this ideal version of yourself relate to others? Manage their relationships? Handle stressful situations? Communicate with others? Set boundaries? Show kindness?
Once you’ve visualised this behaviour, and pictured yourself doing it, emulate it in real life – and keep doing this until you’ve made it second nature.
Separate “I Did…” from “I Am…”
In order to truly heal, you have to like yourself. You have to believe that, whatever mistakes you’ve made, you are a worthwhile human being with the potential to do things better.
The very worst thing you can do in this situation is to say to yourself: “I am this way, so I’ll never be able to be a better person, or have a loving relationship”. Or: “I’m a horrible or unlovable etc person because I did XYZ”.
These thoughts will not allow you to heal. Instead, you need to separate action from essence.
Sometimes you’ll do shitty or self-destructive things. We all do! That doesn’t mean you let these things slide or shrug them off as inevitable; rather, you should address these things, admitting that you’re in the wrong, apologise for what you’ve done (whether to others or to yourself), and endeavour not to repeat the same mistake again. In other words, you need to recognise the thing was bad, take responsibility for it, and try your best to learn from the situation to avoid repeating it.
What you absolutely should not do is take this as proof that you’re a bad person, as opposed to a person who did a bad thing. I can’t state enough how important this is for your healing. If you let yourself believe that you are just “the kind of person who does things like that”, not only will you hate yourself, but you’ll never change your behaviour, either.
Recognise That This Is a Journey
Healing doesn’t happen overnight.
In all areas of life, expecting results too quickly is a serious motivation-killer.
Instead, to keep up the momentum, you need to keep in mind that you’re working towards getting healthy, re-learning the way you manage relationships, and putting an end to self-destructive spirals of behaviour. It’s a process, not an either/or situation – and having the odd bad day doesn’t mean that you’ve failed.
When you find yourself starting to question your progress, take the time to reflect on how far you’ve come and remind yourself what your goals are, visualising your role-model-self again for inspiration.
I can’t state strongly enough that setbacks don’t spell the end, nor are they a good reason to throw your hands up in the air and stop trying. The key is to keep heading in the right direction overall, even if you take a few detours or wrong turns along the way.
Be Grateful
It sounds cheesy, but keeping track of the good things that happen to you seriously helps to challenge your perceptions when things seem bleak.
If you feel yourself losing momentum or getting sucked into a black hole, force yourself to step back and take stock of the positives. For example, note down all the things you have to be grateful for that day, and be specific.
It could be a small, random act of kindness from a stranger. It could be the phone call you got from your best friend checking in to see how you are.
The point is, when you’re feeling down, it’s very easy to overlook ways in which others are looking out for you, trying to be supportive, or just making an effort to brighten up your day. Being more conscious of these things can really change your perspective and give you the strength you need to push ahead with your healing.
Get the Support You Need
No matter how strong you are, there will always be times when you need other people to lean on, confide in, talk to about how you’re doing.
But remember: not all friendships however strong are a source of wise advice despite their best intentions. It’s tempting to rely on that drama-loving friend who sympathises and eggs you on with your anger, vengeful thoughts but they may not serve you.
The thing is, these friends don’t have the wisdom, experience or position to advise and guide you properly.
It’s much better to seek out people who are motivated to see you succeed in overcoming your trauma whatever it takes, rather than someone that may sympathise and join you wallowing in the pain of it all.
If you really want to keep up momentum, look for support from people who understand and care what you are trying to do – and reach out to them regularly for motivation.
Heal from emotional pain – The Summary:
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Pain creates the initial motivation for change
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But that energy does not last forever
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To complete healing shift to ‘towards’ motivation
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Motivational and visualisation goals will help
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Support is essential to complete the healing journey
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If healing isn’t totally complete symptoms will reoccur
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Download your Free PDF: 5 Tips to Complete Emotional Healing
Struggling to keep up the momentum in your healing journey?
No problem, we have a solution…
Existing clients can enrol in the MOMENTUM coaching package.
Or you can contact us for a Free CLARITY CALL for more guidance.
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A provocative title indeed. Could be triggering, especially if you are feeling brittle and war-wounded from doing battle with your spouse. Perhaps you are feeling upset and alone in your marriage, misunderstood by your partner or fighting so much that you have lost your connection. Weariness and scepticism is understandable. I hear you scoff: ‘If I cannot even talk to my husband, what on earth makes this lady think she can turn things around in just 2 days?’
The danger of complacency
I have bad news…
If you already feel repressed in your marriage or if your marriage has already wandered into the territory of resentment then you are in more trouble than you know.
What people don’t realise when they get married is that they enter into a sacred contract which is way more fragile than the protection we believe that contract gives us. Whilst standing at the altar vowing ‘till death us do part’, we believe we are given some kind of invisible Secure Marriage cloak which means we can bring our shitty selves to our relationship and our partner needs to put up with it. In today’s fast paced world, statistics show that people are not putting up with it anymore. Our universal sense of entitlement when it comes to happiness and fulfilment means we draw the line of tolerance much quicker than our forefathers did.
Marriage has become fragile. If found to be unfulfilling, the contract is easily ended and partners are easily replaced. People are not very good at avoiding divorce.
As a divorce expert, I have worked with over 2000 people to learn the 22 critical vulnerabilities and turning points in a marriage that move a relationship from a place of happiness and fulfilment to the no-man’s land of divorce. We focus on showing people how to not get divorced. Stopping those vulnerabilities in their tracks and making your marriage immune to those influences is vital to longevity.
Is my marriage in trouble?
If you answer YES to more than 3 of these crises areas below, then it may already be too late for your relationship:
- My partner and I are not on the same page. Tension is high and we struggle to communicate or maintain a bond with each other
- We have not had sex in a long time
- I am resisting getting help in the false hope that over time things will calm down and the invisible Secure Marriage cloak will prevail
- I am hiding behind my kids and their needs
- I am throwing yourself into my work/ friends/ hobbies
- I find yourself running away from home a lot
- I check out or day-dream about being single and imagine finding the perfect partner who will rush in and save me from this situation
- I resent my partner. I cannot believe this is how things turned out
- I feel jealous of other people’s marriages. Why can’t my partner be more like xxx or yyy?
- I continue maintaining a façade of a happy marriage to the outside world
So what do I do to stop divorce?
If you answered YES to more than 3 Marriage Crises Areas then you need to take action to save your marriage. The sad thing is you probably won’t. Only 4 people reading this article will actually do something about it. This is because of 3 key reasons:
- You believe that the invisible Secure Marriage cloak is real. Your partner will never leave and things will get better one day on their own when your partner stops being selfish and apologises.
Right?
Wrong. There is no Secure Marriage cloak. Just like there are no unicorns, Santa doesn’t exist and the tooth fairy isn’t coming. Your relationship has already gone over the tipping point and set sail on the Divorce Cruise.
2) I am not giving in and being the weak one.
Excellent. You definitely don’t want to be caught being weak or giving in. Better to be right and blame your partner for everything that is happening whilst you sit on your high horse and wait. I am sure they will realise the error of their ways in time.
I am being intentionally facetious because there is no space for self-righteousness in a successful relationship. You need to let that go if you want to grow old with someone by your side.
3) The risk of anyone finding out our Marriage façade is a lie is too much to bear: people knowing we might help or are engaging in couples counselling is worse than us not getting the help we need
People cannot stand admitting that they need relationship guidance or relationship support. This is why Viagra is rarely sold over the counter in a pharmacy because people would rather be flaccid than be caught with a bottle in their hands. Admitting to others that your marriage may not be a happy one is likened to declaring yourself radioactive
To turn a relationship around you need
1: Total dedication and commitment.
A marriage in crisis is like a ship which has ground to a halt. To start up the ship again you need an incredible amount of focused effort and dedication. You need to work hard in the engine room and stay below deck until the ship starts moving again
2: Owning your own shit.
Don’t sit on your high horse and point fingers. You need to be willing to be vulnerable and to admit your own shortcomings and mistakes. If your partner is not responding the way you think they ought to, then you have something to do with their reaction to you
3: Willingness to be a student and to learn.
Be interested in learning new things and commit to the journey of learning something new
4: You need to kick start the work in a 2-day INTENSIVE.
Ever notice how when you focus on something with intention and full concentration, it gets done quicker? This is why intense trainings over a few days are more effective than distance learning over six months. When you take your time, sometimes you focus on the subject and sometimes you don’t, so ultimately getting the work done takes longer. Watch this video below where I share what we accomplished in just 2 days
5: You need a 4-month Marriage Bootcamp to turn things around and create a new track record.
There is a Marriage formula with 32 component to it which guarantees a successful relationship. Learning this requires discipline and commitment but the key to success is experiencing a track record of success
It can be done and we are doing it within the Spark Marriage program. The key is: Don’t quit. Finding your soulmate isn’t easy. When you find someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, you don’t give up on yourself or on them. You fight your way back to each other.
In our Marriage program, Spark, we have a 2-day Intensive Relationship retreat upfront followed by a 4 month remote program to reprogram your marriage from the ground-up. There are no shortcuts.
So, this Christmas, give yourself the gift of a new marriage and take advantage of our special offer.
Happy Holidays
X
“If you take healing steps daily, your healing will be faster than if you took those steps weekly or monthly. Miraculous healing happens with courageous action”
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