So, we got quite a few questions and comments from people from our website that ask things like how do we prevent all the drama around Christmas…

or people commenting that they find Christmas really stressful and challenging.

And it is that way for a lot of people, because a lot of expectations arise around Christmas. It’s supposed to be magical, it’s supposed to be beautiful and awesome, and people find quite a lot of stress and pressure around that, needing to kind of fulfil all these expectations that they have.

I want to talk about some things that you can do to minimise all that kind of stress and challenge

So I want to talk about some things that you can do to minimise all that kind of stress and challenge, and to have a more drama free Christmas.

One concept that I talk about with my clients is the concept of managing the trees that we climb. What I actually mean by that is managing how much drama that we have within our lives.

So, first things first is going into Christmas, you need to take a look at what are all the filters, perceptions, beliefs, ideals, and expectations that you have about how Christmas is supposed to be.

How it should be, how people should be, what does this whole kind of space shuttle launch that you’re preparing for is supposed to look like, because all those things actually set you up for stress, because there’s that expectation, there’s that feeling now that all these things are supposed to happen, and these people should behave a particular way, or they will behave that way because that’s the way I always expect them to behave. 

All that kind of pressure and stress actually becomes a metaphorical tree in our lives, and if we get really invested in finding evidence for those things in our lives, we can wind up climbing right to the top of that tree, so far up that talking us down from that kind of very, very fixed position that we have, it’s like a nightmare, right?

I mean, sometimes I’ll get on a call with somebody, I’ll be like, “Wow. What tree have you just climbed? How did you get up there? Hello, can you hear me? Can you come down, like one branch at a time so we can actually get you back into neutrality and back into balance?”

Wow. What tree have you just climbed?

So first things first, identify what are these filters and perceptions that you have of Christmas and all that kind of stuff going with it.

Those thoughts that you have well, oh, Uncle Fred is going to tell the worst jokes, and Mary’s just going to irritate me, because she’s going to ask me why am I still single, and you’ve got some other person that always gives uncomfortable hugs, or whatever it is that you think and believe will definitely happen.

The thing to get about that is whatever you believe is definitely going to happen, you will end up projecting that onto the situation.

You will climb this metaphorical tree where you find evidence for those things to happen, and we are so invested in being right about what we believe you don’t actually give anybody a chance, and we don’t actually just let people just be who they are and be laid back about it.

So in validating those beliefs and finding evidence for those beliefs, we can actually create a drama out of that situation out of nothing. 

The reality is that the same situation can be perceived completely differently from two different perspectives, or three, or four, five different perspectives, so at a single dinner table, you can have Uncle Fred telling his jokes. You can have you sitting in one corner going, “Oh, here we go again. They’re going to be the worst jokes ever.”

Perceptions of the same event can be polar-opposite

And you got somebody else sitting on the other side of the table going, “Oh, there was a bit of a lull in the dinner. Isn’t it great that he’s livened it up with some jokes? Gosh, that was really funny.” And it’s exactly the same. It’s still Fred telling jokes, so no one’s right. It’s different perspectives, and ultimately you’re in charge of what perspective, and perception, and belief, and expectation that you bring onto Christmas, and onto life in general.

So some tips to be aware of, is first things first, identify what are these kind of preconceived notions, and ideas, and beliefs that you have about Christmas where you are so kind of project managing things to achieve those particular results or outcome in Christmas. 

Second thing is to kind of manage yourself and be aware of where of where you are actually investing in finding evidence for those things to be true.

What are the metaphorical Christmas trees you are climbing?

What are the trees, the Christmas trees, the big metaphorical trees that you are climbing that you’re right about where you get so invested in it that you’re so far up into the atmosphere at the top tree that you’re not actually present, and just in the now, and just enjoying what is?

Manage yourself in being aware of those reactions, and if you find yourself that you’ve climbed a tall tree, just notice it, and just go, “Okay, I’ve climbed a tall tree called this day isn’t going very well, and these people are really irritating, and I just want to get out of here.” Maybe just slow that down.

Everybody’s just being who they are. This is good. I can handle this. I’m going to have a good Christmas.

Just manage yourself climbing down from that tree, calmly and peacefully. Have a bit of a giggle about it, and return yourself back to neutrality where you just remember that people are just doing what they’re doing, and I’m the one that’s adding all the drama, and the chaos, and climbing trees over these stupid situations. So, managing those reactions are critical to enjoyment of it.

So, managing those reactions are critical to enjoyment of it

And the last tip is whatever you focus on will expand. So if you believe that Christmas is stressful and challenging, you are going to create that. If you believe that Christmas is magical and awesome, and you’re going to have a really fun, chill day, then that’s what you will create, because human beings are incredibly good at finding evidence for whatever it is that their theories are. 

Whatever you focus on will expand

So manage those different things across Christmas, and I really wish you a very merry Christmas, and let this year be a drama free Christmas for you and your family. Til next year, thanks.

A provocative title indeed. Could be triggering, especially if you are feeling brittle and war-wounded from doing battle with your spouse. Perhaps you are feeling upset and alone in your marriage, misunderstood by your partner or fighting so much that you have lost your connection. Weariness and scepticism is understandable. I hear you scoff: ‘If I cannot even talk to my husband, what on earth makes this lady think she can turn things around in just 2 days?’

The danger of complacency

I have bad news…

If you already feel repressed in your marriage or if your marriage has already wandered into the territory of resentment then you are in more trouble than you know.

What people don’t realise when they get married is that they enter into a sacred contract which is way more fragile than the protection we believe that contract gives us. Whilst standing at the altar vowing ‘till death us do part’, we believe we are given some kind of invisible Secure Marriage cloak which means we can bring our shitty selves to our relationship and our partner needs to put up with it. In today’s fast paced world, statistics show that people are not putting up with it anymore. Our universal sense of entitlement when it comes to happiness and fulfilment means we draw the line of tolerance much quicker than our forefathers did.

Marriage has become fragile. If found to be unfulfilling, the contract is easily ended and partners are easily replaced. People are not very good at avoiding divorce.

As a divorce expert, I have worked with over 2000 people to learn the 22 critical vulnerabilities and turning points in a marriage that move a relationship from a place of happiness and fulfilment to the no-man’s land of divorce. We focus on showing people how to not get divorced. Stopping those vulnerabilities in their tracks and making your marriage immune to those influences is vital to longevity.

Is my marriage in trouble?

If you answer YES to more than 3 of these crises areas below, then it may already be too late for your relationship:

1. My partner and I are not on the same page. Tension is high and we struggle to communicate or maintain a bond with each other
2. We have not had sex in a long time
3. I am resisting getting help in the false hope that over time things will calm down and the invisible Secure Marriage cloak will prevail
4. I am hiding behind my kids and their needs
5. I am throwing yourself into my work/ friends/ hobbies
6. I find yourself running away from home a lot
7. I check out or day-dream about being single and imagine finding the perfect partner who will rush in and save me from this situation
8. I resent my partner. I cannot believe this is how things turned out
9. I feel jealous of other people’s marriages. Why can’t my partner be more like xxx or yyy?
10. I continue maintaining a façade of a happy marriage to the outside world

So what do I do to stop divorce?

If you answered YES to more than 3 Marriage Crises Areas then you need to take action to save your marriage. The sad thing is you probably won’t. Only 4 people reading this article will actually do something about it. This is because of 3 key reasons:

1. You believe that the invisible Secure Marriage cloak is real. Your partner will never leave and things will get better one day on their own when your partner stops being selfish and apologises.

Right?

Wrong. There is no Secure Marriage cloak. Just like there are no unicorns, Santa doesn’t exist and the tooth fairy isn’t coming. Your relationship has already gone over the tipping point and set sail on the Divorce Cruise.

2) I am not giving in and being the weak one.

Excellent. You definitely don’t want to be caught being weak or giving in. Better to be right and blame your partner for everything that is happening whilst you sit on your high horse and wait. I am sure they will realise the error of their ways in time.

I am being intentionally facetious because there is no space for self-righteousness in a successful relationship. You need to let that go if you want to grow old with someone by your side.

3) The risk of anyone finding out our Marriage façade is a lie is too much to bear: people knowing we might help or are engaging in couples counselling is worse than us not getting the help we need

People cannot stand admitting that they need relationship guidance or relationship support. This is why Viagra is rarely sold over the counter in a pharmacy because people would rather be flaccid than be caught with a bottle in their hands. Admitting to others that your marriage may not be a happy one is likened to declaring yourself radioactive

To turn a relationship around you need

1: Total dedication and commitment.

A marriage in crisis is like a ship which has ground to a halt. To start up the ship again you need an incredible amount of focused effort and dedication. You need to work hard in the engine room and stay below deck until the ship starts moving again

2: Owning your own shit.

Don’t sit on your high horse and point fingers. You need to be willing to be vulnerable and to admit your own shortcomings and mistakes. If your partner is not responding the way you think they ought to, then you have something to do with their reaction to you

3: Willingness to be a student and to learn.

Be interested in learning new things and commit to the journey of learning something new

4: You need to kick start the work in a 2-day INTENSIVE.

Ever notice how when you focus on something with intention and full concentration, it gets done quicker? This is why intense trainings over a few days are more effective than distance learning over six months. When you take your time, sometimes you focus on the subject and sometimes you don’t, so ultimately getting the work done takes longer. Watch this video below where I share what we accomplished in just 2 days