Why You Should Never, Ever Say: “I’m Doing This Because I Love You”

When Ann was a teenager, her parents went through a terrible divorce.

Her father had always been volatile, but when her mother finally told him they couldn’t stay living in the same house indefinitely after the split, he lost it. He drank a bottle of vodka, smashed every item of furniture in the house, then screamed abuse at her little brother and chased him to a friend’s house, where the poor kid hid while his rather raged outside. Then he went back home and beat up Ann’s mother until the police arrived.

Ann, her mother and her brother were in shock. They had always been a little afraid of her father, but they never thought he was capable of behaviour this violent and extreme. Ann wasn’t sure she would ever forgive him. She wondered what he could possibly say, once he had sobered up (and once the restraining order had lifted), to make amends. Obviously he couldn’t defend his actions. Could he even live with himself, after what he done?

Months passed. Eventually Ann and her brother received a letter from their father.

It said:

“I’m sorry if I hurt you or scared you. I want you to know that everything I’ve ever done was because I love you.”

<h3>Speechless</h3>

Ann was speechless. Her brother didn’t speak to his father again for years. Her mother, who had tried hard to stop the kids from hating their father and was convinced he would be ashamed and repentant, was heartbroken.

It was worse than him just trying to excuse himself or even minimise what he’d done, which would have been bad enough

“It was worse than him just trying to excuse himself or even minimise what he’d done, which would have been bad enough,” says Ann. “It felt like he was shifting the burden onto us, his kids. Like, you need to pity me or even be grateful to me for how much I love you, and I’m allowed to express my ‘love’ however I want, even if it’s by physically and emotionally harming you.

“If he’d said ‘I did this in spite of how much I love you’ that would have been easier to bear, but to say that beating up my mother was somehow an act of love to me – that was beyond the pale.”

For years after this happened, Ann found it hard to trust a partner. The merest hint of violence or aggression from a partner would give her panic attacks and flashbacks. She sabotaging more than one relationship because she felt unsafe, to the consternation of boyfriends who insisted they would never hurt her.

Eventually she began a long term relationship with a man she always thought of as gentle and caring and protective. Sure, he screwed up in other ways. He could be irresponsible, selfish, insensitive or oblivious to her needs. But he never, ever made her feel physically threatened.

… Until they broke up.

<h3>Guess what happened?</h3>

In the aftermath of the breakup, Ann’s ex was, to her, unrecognisable. He drank and called her obsessively. He ignored all her requests for him to respect her boundaries and leave her alone. When, in desperation, she blocking his means of contacting her, he continually called her friends to find out where she was, urging them to get her to speak to him.

She felt helpless and hunted.

Then, one night, Ann’s ex broke into her flat, drunk out of his mind, smashed her things, grabbed hold of her and wouldn’t let go, despite her pleas for him to leave.

“You’re turning into my father!” she screamed. “I need you to get out of my house, right now.”

“How dare you compare me to your father?” he screamed back. “Don’t you understand that I’m doing this because I love you?”

Of course, I don’t need to tell you that this is wrong, and controlling, and unacceptable.

But these are also actions at the extreme end of the scale.

Someone attacks you or your loved ones because they love you? They break into your flat and terrorise you because they love you? They claim that making your life a misery is an act of love? Of course that’s absurd. Of course that’s manipulative.

But what about the insidious examples? The times when people do everyday things that hurt us and we accept the excuse that are are acting out of love?

“When I look back I realise that ‘I’m doing this because I love you’ was something my ex had been saying for years, and I didn’t even notice,” says Ann. “Every time he didn’t want to take responsibility for something he’d done or the way he was handling something that scared him, even though it was me who was hurt by it.”

 

<h3>It’s a cope out</h3>

For example, explains Ann, when her ex had lied to her about some serious financial problems, his excuse had been, “I love you so much and I didn’t want to worry you”.

When she came home late and was sexually threatened by a stranger, he shouted at her for ‘putting herself in a risky situation’ instead of comforting her – then said he’d reacted like that because he loved her.

When she started working on a project that meant she’d have to travel to a dangerous country, he tried to convince her she wasn’t up to the job and should quit before she failed – and again, when she called him out for his lack of support, told her it was “because he loved her”.

Every time he’d excused himself like this, she had been annoyed, but she’d accepted it. Okay, his behaviour wasn’t ideal but – fair enough – it came from a loving place. What’s more, friends and family would also shrug this off as reasonable. They’d even be touched by it. There’s something about attributing your actions to love, especially as a man, that instantly wins the sympathies of others.

“Oh,” they say, “but he doesn’t know how to express himself any other way!”

Or: “But it’s coming from a good place!”

Or even: “You’re lucky that he loves you enough to care that much!”

But here’s the thing. By constantly accepting “It’s because I love you” as an excuse for behaviours that upset her, Ann had given her ex free rein to romanticise his own bad behaviour.

Instead of forcing him to take on board why behaviour like lying or victim-blaming or trying to make her think she was too stupid to take professional risks was emotionally damaging, she allowed him to shift responsibility to her.

It had stopped being a conversation about the kind of support she needed from him. She’d stopped asking him to try and control his intuitive reactions and empathise with her needs instead. Instead, he had been allowed to put his emotions on a pedestal, above any scrutiny. So long as it was because he loved her, his actions were above criticism.

But here’s the thing.

• Ann’s ex did love her. Just as her father loved her.
• But he didn’t lie to her because he loved her.
• He lied to her because he was scared of how she would react when she found out what he’d done.
• He didn’t shout at her for her brush with sexual assault because he loved her.
• He shouted at her because he was angry he hadn’t been there to protect her.
• He didn’t try to make her feel too inadequate for her job because he loved her.
• He tried to make her feel inadequate to stop her from going on a trip that made him nervous.

Yes, love might have been a driver in these actions. But in each case, Ann’s ex was thinking about what he wanted right then. What his fears were. What his needs were.

He could equally have said “I wanted to be honest with you because I love you” or “I’m going to comfort you because I love you” or “I’m going to support you in your plans, even though it’s hard for me to see you go somewhere dangerous, because I love you”.

Because we choose how we handle our emotions.

Even an overwhelming emotion, like love.

And you are never, ever responsible for how someone else translates their feelings into action. You are not responsible for the love they say they feel, or for what they choose to do as a result of those feelings.

Equally you are responsible for how you choose to express your own love and emotions.

So please – take “I’m doing this because I love you” out of your vocabulary.

Even with your kids. Especially with your kids.

 

<h3>Emotion and action</h3>

I’m serious.

If you want to help your children steel themselves against emotional blackmail and manipulation, they need to be able to distinguish between emotion and action. They need to understand that your impulses do not overrule your responsibilities to those you love.

So if you panic and smack your child because they’re about to run across the road, don’t convince yourself and them that you did it because you love them. Admit that you smacked them because you lost self-control.

If your teenager comes to you in tears because your partner is putting too much pressure on them to do well at school, don’t say “well, she’s/he’s doing it because she loves you!” You can tell them you’re trying to make sure they do their best, or to teach them discipline, or stop them getting complacent – whatever. You might reassure them that you love them and are proud of them despite the pressure you’re putting on them to succeed.

But don’t teach them that behaviours that hurt them are automatically above criticism because they are driven by love.

 

<h3>All consuming love</h3>

Insane law

Take Italy, for example. Did you know that, until 1981, Italian law stated:

He who causes the death of a spouse, daughter, or sister upon discovering her in illegitimate carnal relations and in the heat of passion caused by the offence to his honour or that of his family will be sentenced to three to seven years. The same sentence shall apply to whom, in the above circumstances, causes the death of the person involved in illegitimate carnal relations with his spouse, daughter, or sister.

That’s right. Just three to seven years for murdering your wife, your daughter or your sister (and/or their lover) because it was a “crime of passion”!

… Oh, you were worked up. You couldn’t help it. You did it because you loved her. And that makes it okay.

And even though the law has changed, attitudes have barely shifted. The idea that a man cannot be expected to control his actions when they are motivated by passion persists.

The result? An ongoing “femicide pandemic” and a domestic violence culture that is so entrenched – and so much worse than the rest of Europe – that the government has had to take urgent measures to crack down on the issue.

So why are these “crimes of passion” more common in Italy than the rest of Europe? Are Italian men biologically less capable of controlling their tempers?

Of course they’re not.

They simply live in a society that gave them free rein to use “I did it because I loved her” as an excuse for far too long.

I’m not saying that someone who dismisses their behaviour as “driven by love” will necessarily become violent. But it stands to reason that, if you’re allowed to push the boundaries so long as you use the “L” word to excuse this, you’ll soon stop taking responsibility for your actions. And that can only be bad news.

You are the arbiter of your emotions

So I’ll leave you with this: You are the arbiter of your emotions. Your ex is the arbiter of his or her emotions.

Yes, love is a force to reckon with. But ultimately, we decide how it makes us behave.

Never forget that.

 
Click Here for More Great Info
 

Do you know someone who has let “I did it because I love you” rule them for too long? Share this post with them!

Recently I had a client in her 60s (I’ll call her Tammy) who had spent 12 long years in therapy, trying to figure out what was wrong with her and searching for ways to improve.

Tried everything

Tammy had tried every self-help, positive thinking, mind-opening, behaviour-correcting course you can think of.

1. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy? Check!
2. DBT? Check!
3. EMDR? Check!
4. PTSD therapy? Check!
5. Couples Counselling? Check!
6. Weekly check-ins with a depression specialist? Check – check – check!

I’m not saying there’s no value in these approaches. For some people, they can really help. But clearly, it just wasn’t working for Tammy.

After all, if you’ve tried out “talking cures” for over a decade without getting anywhere, it’s probably time to admit that this isn’t the path for you.

Maybe ‘talking cures’ aren’t the solution-

So why did Tammy keep plugging away at this, jumping from course to course, trying new variations of the same thing, without ever getting results?

It’s not because she’s gullible, or irrational, or an eternal optimist.

It’s because these dalliances with therapy were never about getting better.

Deep down, Tammy wasn’t interested in finding a cure.

She was going to therapy to wallow in her disease.

She was going to therapy to wallow in her disease.

Being damaged made her feel validated. Talking about the ways in which she was broken gave her an iron-clad excuse for talking about herself.

Tammy was a therapy junkie.

Why is this such a bad thing? Well, let me put it like this.

Being a therapy junkie is a bit like having Munchausen Syndrome.

Munchausen Syndrome

If you haven’t heard of Munchausen Syndrome, it’s a very damaging psychological condition where people feign the symptoms of a serious illness.

Often, sufferers will actually find ways to induce these symptoms in themselves. Sometimes, they’ll end up going from hospital to hospital demanding care or treatment, even undergoing dangerous surgical procedures that they know are unnecessary rather than admit that the symptoms are fabricated. When they get caught out, they disappear and move on to the next doctor or hospital that will give them the time of day.

There are a number of reasons people are thought to develop Munchausen’s syndrome, but one commonly cited cause is that, early in life, sufferers were struck down by a real illness. They were fussed over. They were important. Perhaps it was one of the few times that their parents, or someone important like a doctor, paid them any attention. As a result, they’ve come to associate being sick with being a person who actually matters – maybe even with feeling loved.

In their explanation of Munchausen Syndrome, the NHS sums up the three things that sufferers are trying to get out of faking an illness:

• They have a compulsion to punish themselves (masochism) by making themselves ill because they feel unworthy
• They need to feel important and be the centre of attention
• They need to pass responsibility for their wellbeing and care on to other people
  Sound familiar?

Let’s think about this for a minute. If you’re running from therapy to therapy, continually looking for new ways to improve yourself, what are you actually doing?

You’re never actually coming to peace with who you are

First, you are constantly reinforcing this idea that there is something deeply wrong with you. You’re revisiting your failings over and over, dwelling on them, exploring them from different perspective. But you’re never actually coming to peace with who you are. You’re not healing from the pain or trauma that actually underpins your self-destructive behaviours. You’re not taking action to make things better – you’re just holding the wounds open for different therapists to rub with their preferred variety of salt.

That sounds like masochism to me. That sounds like the actions of someone who thinks they’re unworthy. That they deserve to stay sick, to suffer – not to heal.

Secondly – and this might be hard to admit, even to yourself – by dragging out your therapy, you’re creating a situation where you can legitimately focus on yourself, demand the total attention of a professional, and make the conversation 100% dedicated to one subject: you.

In any other situation, this would sound like narcissism, but by calling it therapy, you get to take the moral high ground. You’re above criticism. That can be intoxicating. If, secretly, the chance to feel important is what’s motivating you, of course you will never find closure. The minute you do, your free pass to be the centre of attention will expire. No more special treatment for you.

And then, of course, there’s that glorious sense of abandonment that comes with placing your wellbeing in another person’s hands.

Rather than having to take responsibility for your own wellbeing, you get to pass the buck to someone else

Rather than having to take responsibility for your own wellbeing, you get to pass the buck to someone else. And, when one therapist doesn’t succeed in providing a magic cure, you can just move onto the next. You’re always the victim. You’re always the one that’s being failed. You’re always the long-suffering patient that no one knows how to treat.

But that’s not how healing works.

Healing is an active process that takes sustained effort. It’s a process that needs you at the helm.

A different way-

When Tammy came to me, she was used to taking a passive role in her own self-care. She had been talking about her problems for years, but no one had ever really asked her to do anything about them.

Instead of tackling negative behaviours head-on, she had become more and more obsessive about constantly figuring out what else was wrong with her. Her addiction to therapy dominated her marriage and sucked the joy out of everything she did. It played a major part in her husband’s decision to leave.

When Tammy started the Naked Divorce programme, she finally recognised that her constant need for therapy was really a cry for attention and the need to feel significant. She realised, at last, that it was precisely this that was damaging her relationships, rather than whatever insights she was searching for in the therapy itself.

Switched approach-

Now, Tammy has switched approach. Instead of worrying about self-improvement, she’s working hard to break these cycles of behaviour. She’s given herself permission to enjoy life. She’s stopped making everything about her.

Instead of navel-gazing, she’s focussed on volunteering, on giving back to others – on real, positive actions that give her autonomy over her life, instead of talking in circles about supposed shortcomings that never get fixed.

Positive or negative-

If you’re constantly looking for ways to “improve” yourself, you need to take a good look in the mirror and ask yourself why you’re doing this. What, really, are you getting out of it?

Is the course of therapy you’re genuinely impacting on your life in positive way? Do you feel more in control of your emotions and behaviour?

Are you empowered enough by what you’ve learned that you’re already changing the way you interact with people? Are you getting more happiness out of life? Are you seeing improvements to your relationships?

If you’ve been working your way through different types of therapy for months (or even years) and the answer to these questions is “no”, it’s time to reassess exactly why you’re putting yourself through it. If not, you might just be a therapy junkie – and it’s time to kick the habit and take charge of your healing before it takes over your life.

 

Know someone who needs to hear this right now? Please share this post with them!

Download My Top 10 Tips Now to ‘Get Over Your Divorce’